Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Sega All-Stars Racing: You Mad?

Hey kids, I'm back after watching the Forty-Whiners beatdown on Sunday night!  So Sumo Digital just announced a new playable character coming to Sega All-Stars Racing: Transformed.  And guess what--being the Sega Racing Fan that I am, I have the inside scoop on who this character is.

It's none other than everyone's favorite NASCAR driver, Dale Earnhardt Junior!!!  That's right, Sumo Digital is now 2 for 2 when picking the most overrated drivers to become playable characters in their game.  Too bad he drives the stupid Avatar car...and has the stupid Avatar voice.  Price for this DLC character?  Seven dollars.  What a piece of s***.

Well, we now know one thing about Danica.  Ricky Stenhouse, Jr. called Danica's cell and they're goin steady.  Danica chose to divorce her husband of seven years for RICKY STENHOUSE, JR, a villain of Sega who put a stop the Sega Sonic car's victory.  Frickin Ms. Benedict Arnold here, Danica is a SEGA TRAITOR and a filthy whore!  Speaking of Ricky...

Me: OMG guys, Junior won a race!!!
You Gais: NO WAY!!!!!!!!! *thinking it's Dale Jr.*
Me: Nope, Ricky Stenhouse, Jr.

Also, Danica has set a world record for being in the most commercials for one company (Go-Daddy).  12 Go-Daddy commercials and I don't even know if that includes banned ones.  Yeah, that SB commercial where she stood there and watched the babe and the nerd make out (with the grotesque sound of moving a spoon through a bowl of macaroni & cheese), yeah WTG Danica, you're doing a damn fine job I might add.  At least you're not the one doing the kissing...

But that's beside the point cause I've been playing Sega All-Stars Racing: Transformed some more and I'm going into EPIC BEAST SWAG mode.  Look, I leveled up all the characters.

Hmm, let's count, shall we?  One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two, twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five.  Twenty-five characters, all mods unlocked.

I did a lot of leveling up in the Grand Prix modes.  The goal--to play the Expert Grand Prixes (???) and get the lowest combined times.  And what has went down is a thing of beauty.

I'm only the #2 Hornet in the world, lost by .07 seconds, smh.

#4 in the Pudding.


OH YEAH, look at these times.  NUMBER ONE in the WORLD on Dragon Cup Mirrored.  I'm the best Sega All-Stars Racing player there ever was.  "One v. one me, you piece of s***, uhhh..."  Tell em why you MAD son???  Sure, send the ten plagues of Egypt after me...swarms, drones, tornadoes, ice cubes.  I love the irony of the Hornet dodging a swarm of actual hornets.

Lucky for you guys, during the time I was writing this article, my online ranking went down 200 points because of BS glitches and general abuse. Oh, and my batteries went out THREE times on Galactic Parade so Merry Christmas, f***ers.  So I got s*** on today but I'll be back!

A common sight on Sega All-Stars Racing Day.

Hey, you know the drone (red shells) you send out are really mini-versions of the car you're driving?  Look at the mini Hornet.  "Go get him son."  "BUT DADDY I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!"

I'll have you know this is against Expert CPUs (watch out we got a badass here).

Now, about the drone (AI) cars.  We had a long talk earlier about the drones being no-good cheating bastards.  Well, it turns out that I DO think the drones cheat.  It seems as I pushed the cup times lower and lower, the AI was still able to keep it close and maybe put me 2nd in a few races.  That didn't bother me since I was going for time, not for the win.  Truth is the AI doesn't cheat THAT bad.  Some things people come up with like "The AI shot a rocket backwards at me and I got hit, bawwww," are just ridiculous.  If there's a driver ahead or behind you carrying an item, then rub two brain cells together and KEEP OUT OF THE LINE OF FIRE.  Problem solved.

Besides, I recall not too long ago playing one of the World Tour missions on C class.  The reason why was to unlock some stickers by playing on the easiest difficult.  And I gotta say playing on C class is SUPER F'N SLOW.  Like those of you who can't even break out of B-class, you're only experiencing a fraction of the fun that you would at S-class.  Seriously, when you're playing on S-class and haulin' ass, it's so much fun.

Now I'm just playing as AGES.  All other characters are irrelevant.  I do look at the GameFAQs boards on occasion and all the topics are now about people bitching about glitches and game design choices.  Some people are even complaining about AGES's inclusion, saying he's "out of character."  You kiddin' me?  The Hornet is a LEGEND.  The F-14 Tomcat is a LEGEND.  The Dreamcast controller is a LEGEND.  AGES is the best thing to happen to the Sega All-Stars Racing franchise.  People don't know what they want with this game.  On one hand, people complain about Sonic being in a car.  On the other hand, they want to axe all non-Sonic characters and replace 'em with Sonic ones.  I don't get it.

So Sega All-Stars Racing: Transformed is now out on PC.  Go get it if you like and play the game at 60 FPS (although I don't feel like reunlocking AGES's console mod).  Next post will probably go over this game some more.  Bye guys.

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