Our Third Festivus Airing Of Grievances!

We do this every year.  We gather everyone around the table and let them know how much they have disappointed us this year!  Whatever, this is late, un-proof-read, horribly biased, and already discussed in previous posts but let's do it.  This'll be the best Festivus yet!!!

Sega: I know you've been on hard times and we love you.  Even the Level 5 lawsuit may be on your side after all.  But what's with the piss-poor advertising campaign for Binary Domain and Sega All-Stars Racing: Transformed?  I don't watch a lot of TV but I do watch Speed Channel.  And I've seen hundreds of World of Warcraft: Mists of Pandaria and Halo 4 Mountain Dew commercials but only ONE DANICA PATRICK in Sega All-Stars Racing commercial???  I hope you're doing a better job on other channels cause I've had friends who've said they only heard about these two games through my blog, sheesus..

Sumo Digital: Where's Ryo Hazuki and Segata Sanshiro as playable characters in Sega All-Stars Racing 2, noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Electronic Arts: Taking pot shots at you is way too easy and everyone's done it (see the Worst Company in America contest).  But I will bring up something new.  I've been playing SimCity Social on Facebook for a little bit (my previous employer worked on Facebook games, after all) and I must say the abrasiveness of the game's in-game advertising is too much to bear.  From the "Spin City" slot machine that pops up from start up (that uses diamonds paid for with real money...it's borderline gambling) to Burt in the U-Haul truck trying to sell you keys to get the crappy contents inside (stupid trucks drive around town with the arrows everywhere) to the constant friend message spam (you have to enter the game to answer messages...a pain in your friends' asses), all of this s*** that pops up on the screen that harangues me to death makes me want to light your game on fire and go throw crap all over my living room and pick it up since it's a lot more enjoyable than dragging my mouse pointer to pick up "doobers" in your "interactive Flash movie" that barely counts as a game (wow that was a long sentence).

Need for Speed/Forza Horizon: Do I really need to explain?

Microsoft/Activision/Blizzard/Ubisoft/Bungie/Rockstar/Bioware/Bethesda/Just About Every AAA Studio: Can't really pin this down on any particular person, thing, or franchise but here goes.  Noticing a trend of games of turning games into movies...usually violent movies.  And dumbing them down to casuals.  And enhancing the "social" experience by trying to shoehorn Facebook-like features into games that I'll never use.  And the Kinect which I will never like.  Sorry if I sound like an ornery old gamer (24 years old, hooboy) but geez, you know what I'm getting at here.  Getting old fast.

Harmonix: Well, I like your Rock Band DLC.  But over the last year, your DLC stream has become weaker than an old man's prostate.  Averages three new songs a week.  And then last week was Elton John.  This should be a GREAT week for keyboards.  But they release a three-pack!  Only two of the songs are new, the third one is already available in Rock Band Blitz (HMX did it again next week with a My Chemical Romance pack).  Trust me, the two new ones are good but it's still a blown opportunity.  The last chance Harmonix will ever browse Elton's library and they don't include Rocket Man, Tiny Dancer, Bennie and the Jets, or Beyond the Yellow Brick Road???  Rock Band Blitz was good, the half-off all pre-RB3 DLC sale was good, but at this point, Rock Band DLC has gotten really weak, possibly in anxious anticipation of the series' slow death.  But still, why no Rocket Man???

GameFAQs/Reddit/Kotaku: I don't always want to light a match in a pool of gasoline, but when I do, it's from reading your comments/message boards.  And when you do your little "Sega sucks" and "Valve rules" hit pieces.

Kevin Butler: RIP, Kevin.  You blew it now, buddy.  You had to dabble with Mario Kart Wii in those Bridgestone commercials.  Now the last likable character from Sony is gone.  And yes, I don't find characters like Kratos or Sackboy likeable, shame on me.  Who's gonna be my main in Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale???  D'OH, THANKS!!!

Danica Patrick & Dale Earnhardt Jr: For letting down the fans!!! Two most overrated drivers ever!!!  WIN A RACE FOR ONCE!!!  WIN A RACE IN THE SEGA CAR, DANICA!!!  BUT NOOOO, THEY NEVER WIN!!!  Seriously, I was the only one who got stoked for Danica's Sega car debut and she placed 14th which is mega underwhelming.  Only good news is that she didn't wreck the car.  What a piece of crap.  Juniyah, have another Diet Mountain Dew.

Spike & G4TV: You done, son!!!  Adios, TKOed, historical.  G4TV is done and Spike (with its God awful VGA's) will be too with their imbecilic macho gamer programming!  MANswers--do I need to be lectured about beer, boobs, boners, guns, and flatulence?  Well I like guns so I can't complain.  EDIT: That sounded kinda gay...I like women but when you deliberately stick boobs on TV, it's just dumb.  When you go, take YOLO, Mountain Dew, and dubstep with you.

NFL/Roger Goodell/ESPN: Now the Saints have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.  Good riddance, this season can't end soon enough.  Commissioner Roger Goodell is full of himself.  Citing phony evidence of pay-to-injure bounties and slandering players who profess it never existed.  Bans Sean Peyton and several players and takes away draft picks, a punishment unprecedented in the NFL.  ESPN hypes up the issue and cheers as our world collapses on the year we have a chance at winning the Superbowl in our home stadium.  And yet, Roger, taking the side of "player safety," is encouraging an 18-game season and Thursday Night Football games which means less time for players to rest, exacerbating injuries in general.  And a team in London--could you imagine the jet lag of a team traveling from London to California/Seattle (8 hour difference???).  Plus he's trying to dumb down defense as best as he can and pimp offensive stats to cater to the fantasy football types.  This guy is a loathsome fool.  Now NFL players, announcers, and sports pundits alike are starting to side with the Saints but it's too late...we missed a shot at the Superdome Lombardi and a year of Drew Brees' prime is wasted.  Screw 'em, everyone one of 'em.

EDIT: I know this is old but how about this.  What's with ESPN's rumors on Sean Peyton going to Dallas?  And Mickey Loomis (Saints GM) "Wiretapgate", trying to dump on the Saints even more when there's NO PROOF that it's true?  ESPN isn't in the biz of reporting news, they're in the biz of reporting made-up news for ratings.  Again, screw that channel.

Speed Channel: Now I like Speed, it's the only thing I can tolerate on TV anymore (ESPN sucks ass now).  But there's a few things to mention...do you guys have anything better to play in primetime besides My Ride Rules and Dumbest Stuff on Wheels reruns?  And why did you cancel 101 Cars You Must Drive after one season?  Alonzo Bodden only got to drive 50 cars, what a shame.  And you also lost exclusive Formula 1 coverage which sucks but that's the biz.  Hopefully you don't turn into Fox Sports any time soon (which explains why random UFC crap appears at midnight-3 am).

All My Web Browsers: Why is it when I browse ANY webpage on both my laptops, all the animated gifs DON'T play until I move the cursor or highlight over them?  Is my Internet broken or something?  This has been happening for months.  WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY COMPUTAH!!!

Myself: For not working as much on Super Sprint as I should have.  And for not updating the blog as much.  And for getting fired from my job...

And now for the Feats of Strength but that's impossible to do over the Internet...perhaps a round or two of Virtua Fighter or Fighting Vipers instead???

Spending Time With Family, Saints, Go-Karts, Ghost Squad, F***in' Fast & Furious, Disney Sucks

First of all, this was a good weekend because I had no homework and my parents drove over to Orlando to spend a few days with me.  But let's get to the Saints next.

I'm going to be like Joe Beningo here in a few minutes so little kids, please cover your ears.  All I have to say is that thank the Lord that I didn't actually see this Saints vs. Rams game on TV (I instead watched NFL.com updates).  Because this has to be the MOST EMBARASSING DISPLAY I have ever glazed upon in my life.  No excuses to lose this game.  What a disgrace!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There are two types of teams in the NFL.  Teams that should win and teams that shouldn't.  The Saints are a good team (I think so, anyway).  They should be in charge of their destiny.  There's a reason the Rams were 0-6, because THEY STINK!!!  They had their backup QB in!!!  And then the Saints go to St. Louis and do what all dumb teams do and that is suck ass.  F***ing suck ass.


Compare the Saints to the Packers.  Let's just get this out of the way now--the Packers are probably going undefeated and are getting the #1 seed.  Why?  Because the Packers ARE WINNING GAMES THAT THEY SHOULD BE WINNING.  The Saints aren't.  And don't give me this "the team has to lose to learn to play better" nonsense since that just means they are undisciplined in the first place.  This sequence of "embarrassing" Saints losses goes back to last year when the Saints blew the games to the Cardinals, Browns, and Seahawks (first team to lose to a sub .500 postseason team, choke away 10-point lead, humiliating Marshawn Lynch replay).  Shame on you guys.  The Saints should've played with fire under their asses in order to keep up with other NFC teams but they look like they didn't give two s***s about it.


Oh, BTW, you know how awesome it was that ESPN gave the 62-7 victory over the Colts zero air time?  Well, expect ESPN to run a million stories about the Saints' 31-21 chokejob (most of those were garbage points) loss to the Rams with stories like "SEE I TOLD YOU SOOO SAINTS ARE ONE-AND-DONE ROFL" and "FALCONS WILL WIN NFC SOUTH CAUSE THEY HAVE MATT RYAN AND RODDY WHITE, TWO GREATEST PLAYARS EVER HAHAHA."  Good work, Saints.  Enjoy the embarassment.  Just suck it in and feel good about yourselves.  Really good.

Man-crush on Tony Gonzales!!!

And also don't give me this "Rams were playing passionate football," or "parity exists in the NFL" crap because it also applies to the Saints too.  If the Rams were playing tough, then the Saints should've played tough too.  AT WORST the game should've been tied by the half, but no.  The Saints scored ZERO POINTS in the first half.  That is completely indefensible.  You all are incredibly mediocre and deserve ZERO credit for today.  Sean Payton should take a paddle and just whip everyone with it.  Even Drew Brees since he's been throwing lots of dumb interceptions lately.  Seriously, just beat their asses with it.

Or maybe a ruler, you know...keeping with the Catholic theme.

This reminds me...I've said this before (in the Call of Duty: Max Performance post) that the day you underestimate the competition, you will LOSE.  Don't care if it's some dumb kids on XBL or your mom, you give it 100% all the f'n time.  This is true especially in professional sports.  Consider that a wounded animal WILL fight back when threatened.  Rams may be winless but they will get desperate at some point.  So you let 'em off the hook.  Good work Saints for playing down to the competition! 


And bear in mind that the Saints lost to a franchise that put out this video instructing its fans on "how to cheer" during the game.  Really?  This is absurd.





Seems like ever since "HAKIM DROPS THE BALL!!", the Rams have been the Saints' kryptonite.  Cause this is the second time a winless Rams team has gotten its first win against the Saints.  Sweet Jesus, this is bad.  So bad and I won't hold back.  I'm not going to "bail" from this team cause I still bleed black & gold but dammit I am just gonna call it like I see it.  Especially when I'm trying to enjoy time with my parents.

Know for a fact that someone will post this eventually so let's get it out of the way now.  And Rams fans, don't take this personally.  I'm mad at my team, that's about it.  There's still time for us to peak during the playoffs but enjoy playing on the road!  Geez.

Hey, it could be worse.  At least I'm not a Rangers fan.  Otherwise, I would be hospitalized right about now.

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Okay, now I've gotten that train wreck out of the way, let's talk about what happened in real life.  On Sunday, me and my family are traveling down International Drive in Kississimee, FL., the big line of attractions/tourist traps near Disney & Universal Studios.  And we're looking for a go-kart track to drive on.  We find this three story wooden go-kart track and it was fun.  Just like the ones in Pigeon Forge, TN.  DAMN was the ride bumpy as I bobbed all over the place on those poor wooden planks which ate my dirt.  But, nonetheless, I continued on.  I lapped everyone too.  Kids were driving slow so I cut them off...all without bumping into them, of course!  Otherwise, those bums would've yelled and me and dragged me off the premises for "threatening to kill everyone."  No one's allowed to have fun anymore.

There was also an arcade at this place.  The arcade was decent--that is, if you enjoy Fast and the Furious very much.  I counted TWO Fast & Furious bike cabinets, FOUR Fast & Furious Drift cabinets, and THREE Deluxe Fast & Furious cabinets?  I mean, s***, do you really need THAT MANY FAST & FURIOUS GAMES???  No one was playing these games too.  Also, just for the lulz, I saw that one of the deluxe cabinets was missing a brake.  And none of them had manual gear shifters.  Not like you need either of those things, HAHA!!!  Seriously, I think I have more fun picking lint out of my pockets than I do playing this game.

The arcade did have Ghost Squad (2004) there and I played it for about six minutes.  I wasted two credits on it cause I accidentally shot the hostages (well I didn't know you had to hold the "special" button!).  Seriously, what an interesting game.  I played that cabin level and it was neat.  The machine gun controller was cooler than the traditional pistol weapon.  Main problem is that the screen wasn't in good shape...it was faded and the attract screen logo was burned in there too.  The same thing can be said about the 18 Wheeler game right adjacent to it.  So is it just me or is EVERY Sega arcade cabinet in poor condition???  Does anyone even bother with these arcade games anymore???

And why oh why does there have to be a Guitar Hero cabinet at the arcade too???  Do we really need MORE GUITAR HERO GAMES???  Go away, Raw Thrills, just...go away.  Can't take it anymore.  Friggin Fast and Furious & Guitar Hero in every arcade.  Well, at least we got Daytona 1/2, Scud Race, OutRun 2, etc. at home so it's not too bad.

I should mention there was a twin Sega Race TV cabinet there too and I played through it just once.  It was just as mediocre as my first experience was.  Game still makes zero sense to me this time.  I picked the Plymouth Hemi Cuda which has low top speed which meant that the AI would just sidle up to me near the finish line so I lost that way.  Man, this game is pissing me off too.

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Oh, and it gets even better!  So me and my family decide to go to Downtown Disney.  It's this boardwalk-style attraction with a bunch of stores with blaring Radio Disney tunes (including Aaron Carter who is apparently still relevant) everywhere.  We checked out the Lego store they had.  Nice store, but no Xalax Lego Racers so no dice--Lego sucks now.  Yeah sure, just make a bunch of Lego dragons & Toy Story characters and we'll be on good terms--ooookay.  Then they had all these purple lit-up bars with dubstep music.  Another EPAC FAIL LOLOLOLLO.  And this "section" of Downtown Disney was called "Pleasure Island."  Geez, hide the kids.  Cause I imagine there was booze and hookers all around there.

Then I discover this store (or section of a store) called Ridemakerz.  Yes, it has a "z" on the end.  And you go there to make your own RC car.  Oooooo, gotta check it out!  So you pick up a plastic frame for your car (it's about a foot long & six inches wide), give it to the guy, and he outfits it with parts.  I picked a blue & white stock car.  Oh hell yes, after all these years, I finally get a "decent" RC car to play with.  Should be fun to drive around FIEA and whatnot.

So I read somewhere on the shelf that each car costs $22 at bare minimum.  I'm not interested in purchasing the shiny rims or the red tires--I just want a normal RC car shaped like a standard stock car.  Guy puts the thing together and says "Would you like a remote control with that?" and I'm like "Huh?"  The remote control is an "optional" accessory that costs an extra $25.  Wait, so I was about to buy an RC car without a controller??  What the f***ing s*** is that all about?  So the price of my car just doubled from $25 to $50.  Oh silly me, I thought I was getting a good deal on something at Disney World.  HA, forget about it.  So I just left after waiting for 15+ minutes.  Hate this crap.  TBQH, the car actually looked pretty good so it's a damn shame I had to give it up.  Maybe for $40, I'd give in but $50 is too much.

Anyway, I kissed my mom and dad goodbye and now I'm back at home, ready to take on the world by myself once again.  Thanks Saints, thanks Fast & Furious, thanks Disney for ALMOST ruining my day.