How To Be A Race Car Driver (According To The Sims)

Ok, I'm fairly certain that everyone's heard of The Sims, the 2000 Maxis/evil Electronic Arts "classic."  I found this game fascinating many years ago but then it hit me like a pile of bricks that this game is awfully redundant and that I should stop and never play it again.  Barely dabbled in the Sims 2 and haven't touched Sims 3.  I'm a SimCity guy anyway but EA put the kibosh on that so let's never mention Maxis ever again after this post.

If you don't know about The Sims, you can get jobs in one of twenty career tracks (10 in original Sims, 5 in Livin' Large expansion, 5 in Unleashed expansion).  Tracks include typical stuff Business, Law Enforcement, Entertainment, Politics, Science, etc.  Each track consists of a ladder of ten jobs increasing in income with each level.  To get promoted, you have to improve your Sims' talents (charisma, body, logic, creativity, mechanical, and cooking), make family friends, and go to work in a good mood.  If you keep at it, you'll make it to the top level of your career track and become a bazillionaire, or something.

Though it sounds cool on paper, your job description hardly has anything to do with the gameplay.  A carpool shows up every day at a specific time to take your Sim to work.  You never see him again until the carpool brings him back.  So you can be something badass like a "major league athlete" or a "criminal mastermind" but you never get to see any of the action.  Only thing that differs is the job hours, the wage, the job uniform, and the car that picks you up (ranging from junker cars to limos).

Only time you see a damn car in this game.

Anyway, it's worth mentioning there's a job out there called the "Grand Prix Driver" which sounds right up our alley!  But to get to that job, you must jump through a bunch of hoops in the Xtreme Career Track.  Here are all the jobs you must accomplish before becoming the next Michael Schumacher or Mario Andretti:

------------

1. Daredevil (§175)
You've turned a bar bet into the foundation of an extreme career.  In short, you'll try anything, the crazier, the better.  Swim under the surface of a frozen lake, leap between rooftops with a bicycle, beat a train to a crossing, juggle a chainsaw while whistling "Dixie."  Your workday is short, but intense.

Holy mackerel, Batman, you're a Joe Schmoe looking through the newspaper and they need people to do dumbass stunts (for Dumbest Stuff on Wheels, apparently)?  And you don't need any skills, training, or experience whatsoever?  Good, cause I enjoy the idea of cracking my head for chump change.  And to severely hurt yourself, you don't really need talent at all so that's good!  Might as well film your own Jackass/MTV/Spike TV show while you're at it.

2. Bungee Jump Instructor (§250)

The salary sinks - but whoever thought that you'd get paid to do this?  Body skills are critical here; nutrition and fatigue must be carefully monitored at home.  You might invest in home gym equipment as well, to keep in the best shape possible.

It's bungie-jumping, not much else to say.  At least I'm watching other people suffer besides me.

3. Whitewater Guide (§325)

You're in charge of the rafts bobbing down the river in Sim Canyon.  Hope your body skills are sufficient - to advance here, your paying riders need to have confidence in your strength.  Never know when you might have some boat repairs to do, so mechanical aptitude is a plus.

Um, whitewater rafting.  At this point in my career, I ask "WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH RACING!!!"  Nuff said...

4. Xtreme Circuit Pro (§400)

Snowboards in winter, mountain bikes in spring, kayaks in summer, and skateboards in fall - you've entered the year-round pro circuit.  Strategies for winning can be helped by developing your logic skill.  Since you're burning mega-calories, learning a few cooking tricks is a good idea, too.

Congrats, you're a Dick's Sporting Goods/Academy poster-boy now.  This job makes sense since we've seen pros like Bucky Lasek, Travis Pastrana, Ricky Carmichael, and Shaun White go race cars before (apparently, they are used to extreme danger/speed).  But HOLY COW is being a skateboarder (or any of those other things) on a professional level is insanely hard.  Takes a ton of patience to learn how to ollie/kickflip/grind a rail.  Made it that far already?  How about you go to the pros, compete in X-Games, film movies, and overall try not to kill yourself.  If being a pro skateboarder is a necessary requirement to being a race car driver, then bitch please...I'm done.  Back to video games.  Besides, you deserve a lot more money for doing this work.  Why it's at #4, I have no clue.

5. Bush Pilot (§475)

Piloting that antique plane of yours demands some serious mechanical skill if you're going to safely dive through dense cloud cover and land on dangerous terrain.  And you'd better be in great physical shape in case you can't get out the same way you got in.  Of course, the danger does yield high pay.

I'M FLYIN A PLANE, WHOOOOPIEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!  LOOK MA, NO HANDS!!!!!!  Can we go skydiving now??  Your move, Maxis.  If not, we can always DO A BARREL ROLL!!!!

6. Mountain Climber (§550)

You've become a renowned climber of unscaled peaks, and there's lots of cash to be made by filming your expeditions for television.  Mechanical and creativity skills will be important - a failure in your ascent gear or strategy could be devastating.

Stuck in this lousy career track, better drink my own piss, indeed.

7. Photojournalist (§650)

Creative skills will help you here.  Work time is divided between taking photos and writing articles at the Sim Times newspaper office.  You need to make sure you allow enough time to write without social distractions, in order to meet deadlines and collect a nice, fat fee.  Maybe you should practice charisma.  Who knows when you may be called upon to narrate your photos?

I've covered wars you kn--wait, WHAT AM I DOING AT THIS LOUSY JOB AGAIN???  At least I get to live out my lifelong dream of running around a mall in my underwear.

8. Treasure Hunter (§725)

You've moved on to salvaging wrecks off the Sim City coastline.  You need friends in the right places to secure all those permits.  Hone that creative talent to get an edge in the search.

According to the job requirements, you need 5 logic points to attain this job.  BULLS***.  You need 11 logic points for this job.  A SECRET MESSAGE ON THE BACK OF THE DECLARATION THAT TELLS ME TO GO TO SOME ARBITRARY LOCATION WRITTEN IN A BUNCH OF HIEROGLYPHICS???  BETTER GET SOME LEMON JUICE!!!

9. Grand Prix Driver (§825)

Your latest job involves laying rubber on Sim City's racetracks.  It is important that you leave home in a good mood with high spirits - you'll drive your best race that way.  Playing an Electronic Arts racing game on your home computer might sharpen your reflexes, too.

BOOGITY BOOGITY BOOGITY, WE MADE IT BOYS!!!!  WE'RE FINALLY RACE CAR DRIVERS!!!!  But no, you don't drive--err...ride to work in an F1 car, just a Dodge Viper.  The pay sucks for a professional driver.  As for my response to an "Electronic Arts racing game"...

HEY JIMMIE!!!  How'd you become such a great driver??

"Just worked hard all these years...rode bikes, went bungee jumping, rafting, skateboarding, flew planes, climbed mountains, took pictures, and and looked for buried treasure.  Any questions???"

For the record, your "extreme" career is not over!  Prepare to be whisked out of your cockpit seat to...

10. International Spy (§925)

You've become a "secret agent" on assignment for your government in Sim City.  To survive this highly lucrative business, you must keep yourself in top mental and physical condition.  Spies are also irrestible - which can cause problems with your mate.

That's right--you go from a friggin race car driver to mutha-f***in James Bond (or Ethan Hunt, if you're feeling picky).  I have no idea how that works so for all terrorist/criminal organizations out there...keep tabs on Formula 1, NASCAR, Indy Car, Le Mans, Rally, Grand Tourer drivers out there since there's your man right there.  SECRET AGENTS...

Oh, that's right.  James Bond is such a great driver because he was once a professional race car driver!  It all makes sense now!!!  007 doesn't even need a steering wheel to drive!!!

------------

But we all know the real way to be a race car driver and that is to race dirt cars/go-karts a frickin hell of a lot, win a lot of races, build your own cars, and get a car owner to hire you.  Either that or you pay a crapton of money.  Being a "risk taker" conditions you for the danger and sharpens your reflexes.  You've already seen the fear so you're well-prepared.  Otherwise, these menial jobs are meaningless.

Go driving with a cougar (the animal type) and skip the first 8 steps.  Easy!

Just for s***s and giggles, let's take a look at some other jobs from The Sims:

------------

(Journalism) 2. Game Reviewer (§200)

The lowliest writing job you can get, but your name is in the byline.  Game companies send you free beta builds, and you get to play them (game and company), deciding on a whim whether you'll give them good press or not.

LAWL GAMESPOT AND IGN, BUNCH OF NOOBS.  "Deciding on a whim whether to give them good press or not"?  You're saying you never play the games before reviewing them?  Or that someone pays you off instead?  No s***, Sherlock.

(Hacker) 1. Beta Tester (§200)

Put the next version of the software through its paces, and try to crash the software as often as possible.  The Company is depending on you to make sure this code arrives on the store shelves in the cleanest possible condition, provided you don't rack up too many late-night pizza bills.

Full Sail grads.

(Hacker) 6. Game Designer (§610)

Good thing you've gotten so creative as of late - turns out your ideas for games have caught the eyes and ears of the Powers That Be.  Now the pressure's on for you to develop a game script that will capture the public's interest, as well.  That also means you get to work nights, since that's when the engineers are at the office.

Aw hell naw, that ain't right.  Creativity gets you jack s*** at EA, remember?  Get back to work, programmers!!!  The working nights part is spot on, though.  And why is this track called "Hacker" anyway--wouldn't the name "Computer Science" make more sense?

(Hacker) 9. Venture Capitalist (§1300)

All those stock options paid off - now that you've gotten more liquid, you can pick and choose which struggling little startups will earn your magnanimity, as well as the prestige for your name as a backing of their work.

GUESS WHO THIS IS!!?? ->

BTW, there is technically a Formula 1 car in The Sims 3...buy the uber DLC "Sims 3: Fast Lane Stuff" for more cool cars that all you can do is stare at!  Unfortunately, it's a open cockpit single-seater so no woohoo allowed.  Why can't this be in Forza 4 instead?  I'm done here, this post sucks.

See The Sims jobs here.

How To Save G4 Television (Not Really)

This is on the heels of Adam Sessler's and Kevin Periera's departures from the so-called-titular gaming cable channel known as G4.  The 4 G's stand for Games, Gear, Gadgets and Gigabytes, BTW.

Now, I don't watch G4.  Used to watch it a bit years ago but now I stay the hell away.  I'm not even a TV person anymore.  I leave the TV on Speed Channel and listen to it as I work.  But I still have some pity on G4 since I'm a "gamer" and so is G4.

The main problem I have with G4 is that I always felt like it insulted my intelligence.  Whatever original programming that station has consists of a bunch of gloating airheads who use dumb catchphrases like "fus-do-rah" or "the cake is a lie" or "epic fail."  And they oogle over models at Comic-Con (yes, I'm talking about Olivia Munn and the "Olivia's Rack" segment).  And then they air reruns of Cops, Cheaters, and The Man Show.  Literally, I just checked G4's schedule for the next six hours and there's X-Play, Revenge of the Show, and 3 hours worth of Cops.  That's all you got???

I'm sorry, but I'm not a toolbag.  Not all of us are energy drink hopped-up nerds who sit around in our underwear playing World of Warcraft or Xbox Live 10 hours a day.  Gimme a break.  Even though I found Adam Sessler irritating in the past, at least the dude knew his stuff and brought some new ideas to the table.  He made you think a little.

 Yes, Adam, you may be a bastard, but at least you're a magnificent bastard.  Like me.

Browsing through sites like Kotaku, Reddit, and GameFAQs, I doubt I'm going to heavily invest in another "mainstream" gaming channel.  But these are some common sense ideas I'm going to throw out a Top 10, no, Top 14 list of ideas to help you guys out.  Since I know very little about what G4's airing these days, they may doing a few of these things anyway.  Here goes:

------------

1.  Ditch Cops, Cheaters, The Man Show, etc.  Literally, I just checked the channel's lineup for the next six hours and it was all Cops, all the time.  This is a gaming channel, not Spike TV.  Try to focus in on shows that have to do with  gaming and technology, not dudes running around with guns or women.  Also, no more juvenile jokes like "Revenge of the Kha'ak" from X-Play a few years ago.  Yes, this is real.  And yes, the "kha'ak" was blurred out.

 If I wanted to watch crap on TV, I'd sit through a To Catch A Predator marathon.  It's got cops, girls, and controversy...it's got it all.

 
2. Channel the old TechTV/early G4.  Bring back some decent shows like Icons.  Documentaries help!  We want shows that are both educational, fun, and not idiotic.  Even if the show is old, at least try to keep it interesting.  Like Angry Video Game Nerd--it's meant to be informative as well as entertaining in the long run.  But here's some an episode of Icons you should like:




Wow, Yu Suzuki on cable TV.  It's a miracle.


Holy cow, Yuji Naka's got some nice wheels (Lotus Elise).

3. There are three things that many websites/news channels focus on--News, Opinions, and Fan Stuff.  Focus on this.  There needs to be more "radio-esque" shows.  Have one or a roundtable of pundits report the news, take in some calls, give out some fan polls, make it feel like we're getting involved in the process.  Even if they dish out game reviews, allow some fans to offer a counter-opinion so the hosts don't develop this superiority complex.  Sites like GameSpot, Kotaku, and Joystiq get gamer feedback all the time--why can G4TV air some of their feedback too?

4. You can't cover ALL gaming with just one or two shows.  Gaming is such a BIG thing so you gotta break it down into many pieces.  How about some shows that are dedicated to specific aspects of gaming?  How about a show on FPSes.  Another on RTSes.  Another on MMO's.  Another on RPG's.  Another on sports games.  Another on--dare I say--racing games!  Throw out some news, a few reviews, get some fan involvement in there.  Also throw in some shows on gaming hardware, computers, new gadgets, etc.  Revenge of the Show doesn't count.  Air a new episode at least once a week, even if it's just for 30 minutes.  Get gamers of ALL interests involved.  Show 'em some love.

5. Channel some of the more successful online brands that have sprouted up recently.  Like Giant Bomb.  Or Machinima.  Or Mega64/Rooster Teeth.  They've put out some clever stuff.  There's a reason why people are browsing them more than your channel.  Like check out these YouTube vids--they're pretty interesting:

Warning: Bad language.

Dumbass kids on Xbox Live


Stuff about Black Ops

6. Gaming competition shows.  Holy cow--who would've thunk it?  Isn't gaming about competing against other people???  Get some MLG, EVO, or CPL coverage in here.  These events go on all the time.  Seriously, I have a friend at FIEA who watches Starcraft 2 competitive streams all day.  Or if the pro circuit is too heavy for you, make a casual gaming show like the old Button Mashing on GameSpot.

Button Mashing aired back in GameSpot's Jeff Gerstmann/Alex Navarro days (before Giant Bomb).  Basically, three people near the GameSpot offices came in for three rounds of competition.  First round--go through three console games and accomplish menial tasks like "kill 2 guys on Mega Man" or "get in a car in Grand Theft Auto" as quick as possible.  Fastest 2 players go to the next round where they try to identify a bunch of games from a bunch of spliced game clips.  The player with more correct answers goes to the final round where they challenge one of three GameSpot editors at their favorite game (i.e. Tecmo Super Bowl, Guitar Hero, Street Fighter II).  Beat the editor and you win some GameSpot swag.  Lose and you go home with just the GameSpot t-shirt.  Still a fun, simple idea that wouldn't take much effort to produce.



EDIT: There was once an old G4TV show called "Arena" which featured LAN events between teams of gamers.  It aired from '02 to '04.  Don't know why they canned it but that's G4 for you.  Making room for more Cops reruns.

7. Do your convention event/interview footage.  Like E3, Comic-Com, Blizz-Con, GDC, whatever.  But be rational report the news.  Talk with big shots like Gabe Newell or Cliff Bleszinski.  EDIT: Try to get interviews with Japanese guys too--yes, do the translator interviews with guys like Miyamoto or Inafune.  Then you can gloat but don't act like nerds.  Seriously, if you didn't get the memo by now--act like men, not like geeks with the mentality "I am nerd, hear me roar."  Avoid phrases like "noob" or "epic fail."

8. Bring in a show that contains nothing but user-created & submitted content off of YouTube.  Like some Super Mario Bros. movies, a gaming speedrun, a Minecraft creation, or a funny glitch.  Just some cool stuff for us to watch.  But no YouTube Poops, just say no.

9. No more Bit Monkeys.  The concept is okay but the humor is so juvenile...guys calling each other douchebags and hitting each other in the head with bats.  A missed opportunity.  This coming from a guy who's a game programmer who longs for the games of the 80's/90's.

10. AND ESPECIALLY NO AWARDS SHOW LIKE THE SPIKE VGA'S.  HELL F***ING NO.  If you want to do an awards show, don't blow it out with a bunch of self-gloating celebrities and other talking heads.  You'll make gaming look bad.

11. Air the old Mario & Sonic Cartoons, but only at 1 am since they can be cringe-inducing for 20+ year olds to watch at times.  And air The Wizard or some other vidya game movie like Super Mario Bros, Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, etc. once a month.  HA, scratch the movie part.



12. Follow these steps:

1. Make the Mass Effect cartoon a reality.
2. Get lots of viewers.
3. ???
4. PROFIT.



13. LAST DITCH EFFORT TO GET VIEWERS.  BREAK GLASS ONLY IN CASE OF EMERGENCY.  Air My Little Pony.  I'm not a Brony but it will help you guys out, I swear.  At least it's not The Man Show so I'll let it pass...reluctantly of course.

 That's some EPIC WIN right there.

14. The Golden Rule: What will non-gamers think of our channel?  Will they look at us like we're serious about games like any other everyday interest (cars, sports, food, travel, politics, etc.)?  Or will they look at us like a bunch of morons caught up on a massive nerd-gasm orgy of crappy memes, Comic-Con cosplayers, and Mountain Dew?  Think about it.

------------

That's the list, have fun and please don't "frag the messenger."  If you do all these things, Adam may come back and you may restore some sanity to gamer culture.  Now get working, G4, cause times are changin'.

GREAT Day For Game Reviews! NFS, Zelda, MW3!

Hah!  I knew this day would come.  The day when I'd see Need for Speed and Electronic Arts exposed as the loathsome cretins that they are!!  MWAHAHAHA!!!

Need for Speed: The Run gets taken down by the game reviewers.  Well, it's not horrible but compared to Hot Pursuit, it is mediocre.

The Giant Bomb review, in particular, is my favorite but I'm looking at various reviews for reasons why.  One, the story is just a load of BS.  Predictable Michael Bay crap and an unlikable protagonist.  Second is the rubber-band AI.  Why do game devs keep bringing this back?  It was in practically every Cruis'n/FnF game, every Mario Kart, Split/Second, and now Need for Speed.  Third, just not enough options in the game.  No free-driving, little car customization, yada yada yada.  Fourth, the game is too linear.  Fifth, the car handling sucks, etc.


I love Quick Looks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

But just for kicks, I decided to go back and take a look at previous Need for Speed games.  Now there's a game called Need for Speed: Undercover.  It was released two years ago.  The formula is basically the same as this--hype up a huge-ass storyline but this time, you're a cop trying to crack down on drug dealers/black market smugglers or something like that.  On the other hand, NFS: Hot Pursuit is less story oriented and thus is much better received by the public.

Seriously, take a look at the GameRankings reviews.  NFS: Hot Pursuit = 87.45%.  NFS: The Run = 68.34%.  NFS: Undercover = 64.60%.  So isn't it obvious that a heavy focus on "epic storylines/cutscenes" is total garbage?  Me and many others have been calling this game BS since the start and now it's readily apparent.  I really have no idea what the producers' thought processes were throughout development but it's just baffling to me.


Wait, am I playing a racing game or watching a terrible movie?  EDIT: Seriously, this feels like Sega CD.

Then again, if the game manages to sell well thanks to the EA's marketing machine, then does it really matter how "bad" the game is?  We'll see what the sales numbers are.  Until then, stick to Hot Pursuit if you really want NFS action.

I mean, damn....remember when Need for Speed games were about DRIVING?  Pure unadulterated driving?  And it was legitimately cool?  This is from 1999 (with a custom car model).  Screw graphics, THIS IS AWESOME.



------------

Now before I go on, I know that professional game reviews are full of BS.  I recently had to deal with a few bad Daytona USA reviews myself.  But the difference here is that I'm looking at the average game reviews.  Yeah sure, there will always be a few trash reviews that do a piss-poor job of explaining everything, but with a large sample of people coming down on the game, well...you know something stinks about it.  Doesn't mean you have to agree with the average score--hell, you may think The Run is a great game.  But I do think reviews are vindictive of SOMETHING.

------------

And now let's move on to Legend of Zelda.  For what it's worth, I don't give a damn about the games nowadays but it's really funny what has transgressed with this new Skyward Sword game.

Remember in the past how GameSpot (back when Jeff Gerstmann was still around) gave Twilight Princess an 8.8 and all the Zelda fanboys lost their s*** over it?  When Jeff said that the motion controls felt tacked on and that the graphics looked a bit dated (both of which make sense because this WAS supposed to be a GameCube title)?

Well it gets worse!  So the same website, GamesPOT, gave Zelda: Skyward Sword a 7.5!  A Seven Point Five!  A 7.5.  So what happens next?

And the same guy who wrote the review (Tom McShea), also gave Super Mario Galaxy 2 a perfect score of 10 so don't say he's a "Nintendo hater."

Well, the main hook for Skyward Sword is that the game actually has meaningful sword combat.  You can't just waggle the stick around and expect to kill the bad guy--you actually have to time your moves, just like in a fighting game.  So that's kind of neat but Tom fudged up the controls by using a regular Wii Motion controller as opposed to a Wii Motion Plus controller and that ruins everything.  Later admitted that he was wrong by not using the Plus controller.  However, GameSpot won't change the 7.5 score.  The game is still "slow to start" and "hasn't changed much over the years," yada yada yada...  EDIT: Click here for more Tom McShea shenanigans.

So now GameFAQs has put a bounty on this guy's head.  Here's some posts although I think many have been deleted for being off-topic.  It's funny because you think I had "problems" when some new guy working at OXM half-asses a 4.5 review of Daytona USA.  But I know that guy's a joke.  On the other hand, Tom McShea is considered "legit."  Well, not anymore I guess!!

I don't even care anymore.  GameSpot sucks, GameFAQs sucks, Skyward Sword is already getting great reviews from elsewhere, and I wish Skyrim had gotten that review score also I'm f***ing sick and tired of everyone pissing themselves over that game too.  STOP MAKING A BIG DEAL OUT OF DRAGONS & SWORDS ALREADY, DAMMIT.  Well actually, dragons are pretty cool BUT NO SWORDS plz.

...Hey, I just realized something.  GameSpot gave Sonic Generations an 8.0.  And they gave Zelda: Skyward Sword a 7.5.  So you know what this means?  For the first time in The History Of The World, a Sonic game > a Zelda game.  Who would've thunk it...SONIC IS BETTER THAN ZELDA.  I LOVE GAMESPOT!!!

------------

Also in the news.  Nobody likes Modern Warfare 3 despite it selling a billion copies on release day (more like  12 million or so).  So quick, downvote the game on every site imaginable!  Even one of the developers tweeted to get users to upvote the game but that must've backfired, seeing how anal the average gamer is.

I snapped this screenshot this very day, ten days after the game was released.  I also see this on any major gaming site such as GameSpot.  Well, it's just a tiny minority of pissed off gamers but it may be bigger than you think.  Doesn't matter since Activision is sitting cozy with nearly a billion dollars in sales for just the first 5 days alone...

MW3 is a lot like MW2.  Which really isn't that bad of a thing.  If idiots buy it, then good for them.  Hey, take a look at all the OutRun 2 games we got.  So it's bad that we got OutRun 2 then Outrun 2006 then Outrun Online Arcade?  I don't know.  That's my one cent.



BTW, a truck full of explosives blows up a little girl and her mother.  And Soap dies.  And Price hangs Makarov with a helicopter cable.  And dogs with C4 come after you in Survival Mode.  There, now you have no need to play this game now.  No spoiler warning.  Rofl.

TLDR: Reviews suck and no one cares any more, rofl.