Hilarious Daytona USA 2 Article

Good Guy Rjay e-mailed me these a while back and I presume he wants me to post them so here we go.  This is from Dreamcast Magazine, Issue 6 (date some time in '99-'00).  Now this isn't a very long article and it doesn't really tell us anything we don't know but it's got some funny lines.  Stuff written in bold are quotes from the article.  Here goes:

FUNNY QUOTES:


* Fancy a quick spin around the race track?  Then strap yourself in and prepare for the ride of your life...and a touch of dizziness???

* Getting Dizzy With It

* It's not easy going, however, as you must navigate the track eight times without being rammed into the wall or, worse still, going cross-eyed with dizziness.

Who's getting dizzy while playing this?  Is this another "turn-left" NASCAR gag?  You spin me right round baby..

* With Daytona USA 2 Dreamcast-bound... BWAHAHAHA!!!  NICE CALL GUYS!!!  THANKS, SEGA!!!  Thanks for the laugh.

* Daytona USA 2 is the last game to be making the transition from coin-op to Dreamcast and is yet another beast of a game from Sega and its all-conquering AM2 department.  HAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHWA

* Daytona USA 2 might be 'just another racing game' to some, but to others it is a religion, with its high speed capers and dirty tactics and cutting up opponents.  I wouldn't call Daytona a religion...that would imply worship of false idols.  But it can change your way of life!

* Despite the fact that all Daytona USA 2 requires you to do is drive around in circles...  Who's writing this article?  Aren't there two other tracks in the game, neither of which resembles a NASCAR oval???

* ...offering all the thrills and spills of the real thing...without the threat of killing yourself.  Yes, because Daytona can drive you to suicide.  No, it's the exact opposite--IT LIFTS YOU UP WITH THE VITALITY OF A DOZEN 5-HOUR ENERGIES!!!  Without the tingling.

* The whole experience is made all the more realistic by the fantastic control offered by the steering wheel and the force feedback that is generated through it when skidding for ramming other cars.

* The speed is conveyed brilliantly, especially with the in-car views and the sound isn't bad either with a (words cut off) of engine revs, commentary, and music blasting in one ear and out the other, making the whole experience a veritable feast for the senses.

Compliments, lols

* Graphically, the game looks fantastic--much better than the original--with pop-up and other sinful entities banished to a far off land.  Banished to the far off land of Cruis'n World.

* This game will incite the boy racer from within everyone!  SPEEDY SPEED BOY!!!  We all wanted to be superheroes when we grew up.  I wanted to be a race car driver.  Suck it, Spiderman.

* In truth, Daytona USA 2 is much like Sega's alternative arcade Sega Rally 2 in regards to its gameplay and instant fix of speed and adrenaline--that that that's a bad thing.  No doubt Sega will include a greater number of cars, tracks, and modes for the Dreamcast version, much in the same way that Sega Rally 2 was beefed up for its home appearance.

* With this in mind, Daytona USA 2 could well be another Dreamcast success for the men from Sega, especially with a four-player mode...

* ...but for now we shall just have to wait and hope for the best...

Oh, right.  There's two more pages to go.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK?  We were so impressed with Daytona USA 2, we went in search of other speed junkies to find out what they thought of Sega's top racing game... 

* Jonathon Eason the bank clerk: "I like it.  The controls are really good and it reacts well to the steering.  It gives a good sensation of speed too which is good." The other three guys (students) say pretty much the same thing.  So we unanimously agree that the controls & sense of steering are good, OK??

More user reviews:

* Jon Petty the occupational therapist: Hold on a second, you don't need a therapist when you got Daytona USA 2--that's all the therapy you need.

 * Nancy Davis the "carer": OMG, THERE'S GIRLS THAT PLAY DAYTONA!!!  WE MEN ARE NOT FOREVER ALONE!!!


 * Campbell Morrison the builder: He does one thing right and another thing wrong.  First, he only reviewer not to use the word "good."  Seriously, people, the blue-collar worker has a better understanding of the English language than you all.  Hello, here's a thesaurus of words describing Daytona USA 2: 

acceptable, ace, admirable, agreeable, bad, boss, bully, capital, choice, commendable, congenial, crack, deluxe, excellent, exceptional, favorable, first-class, first-rate, gnarly, gratifying, great, honorable, marvelous, neat, nice, pleasing, positive, precious, prime, rad, recherché, reputable, satisfactory, satisfying, select, shipshape, sound, spanking, splendid, sterling, stupendous, super, super-eminent, super-excellent, superb, superior, tip-top, up to snuff, valuable, welcome, wonderful, worthy.

Oh but then when asked if he would buy it for the Dreamcast, he replies "Probably not." 

AW HELL NAW, I AM NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS...

Either that or he successfully predicted Sega's ineptitude on releasing the game.  You can't say you'll buy something that doesn't exist, can you?

Then the article ends on this:

IT'S NOT JUST A GAME.  That's right, Sega has done something rather special with Daytona USA 2 by linking up certain machines from around the world so that arcade fans can compete for a $1000 prize for posting the fastest time.  Rjay talks about this a lot.  It was who runs the fastest time on Beginner with the Scorpio AT.  Here are the records:

Top 10 UK Times: 2:16.366 to 2:17.929

vs.

Top 10 US Times: 2.17.660 to 2:19.310

So basically, the best US time barely beats the worst UK time.  It's great to know my fellow countrymen suck at racing games.  They are too busy playing Call of Duty and WoW to even give damn.  To quote:  Well, you'll be glad to hear that we're trouncing the Yanks, confirming us Brits as the kings of track.  Watch out for those Asians while you're at it.  Rofl.

Until then, if you got any unmentioned Daytona/Scud Race/other arcade material you want me to see, shoot me an email.  Adios.

Daytona USA Reviews--Kill Me Now

It's worth mentioning I revised the Kyle Busch article to include the Ron Hornaday mutiny that occurred last Friday.

Ok, so Daytona USA has been out for two weeks and most of the "professional" reviews are in.  And most of them fall within the 8-9 range which is good.  You can see the list of reviews here.

Now there's really nothing amazing about any of the average reviews.  I can't go through them all.  They say stuff like, "It's Sega's classic arcade racer with funky tunes but it's nonetheless old."  Okay, I see what you mean.

But first, I would like to commend the website Gamestyle for giving this Daytona port a 10 out of 10, the only reviewer to do so thus far.

Wasn't a fan of Daytona in the arcade? Then don't expect any different here. That is the 1% dealt with. For everyone else, this port brings home the magic of the arcade version in the best way possible. Rose tinted memories are transferred to reality, both in terms of how the game looks and how it plays.

Well said.  How nice of you to bring up the 1% of people who don't like Daytona.  I would say that number is larger than that but let's deal with the heathens, shall we???  Descend into the abyss, if I don't come back in 15 minutes...just wait longer!

From a review site called HonestGamers which gave the Daytona port a 5 out of 10...

This is the best Daytona USA ever released for play at home.

BOOM, there you go, review's over.  If it's better than the Saturn, PC, or Dreamcast versions, then how come this isn't higher than a 5?  Let's continue...

And herein lies the trouble with Daytona USA. It’s always been extremely limited. A few cars, a handful of tracks, the choice between automatic and manual transmission, and four vantages points from which to survey the action. That's essentially it. Being able to take on mirrored versions of tracks or tacklekaraoke mode – well, those are just fleeting distractions. The sobering truth is that there's not much here, and there never was.

What a load of ass.  Let me say two things: one--this is an Xbox Live Arcade Title.  THESE KIND OF GAMES ARE MEANT TO BE SMALL!!!  HENCE THE TERM, "ARCADE"!!!  Two: come say this game is "lacking" to me.  Or my friends on GameFAQs.  Or the guys from Singapore/Japan/wherever who play the crap out of this game.  Cause it certainly ain't "lacking" to us.

What made this game a phenomenon in the nineties – besides the fact that in ’93 these graphics were considered slick and ahead of their time – was the ability for us arcade-going gamers to sit with seven drunk friends in aligned cockpit cabinets, hammering the pedals, locking the wheel into turns, jamming the shifter down to screech into straight-aways, all while we hoped that hot girls looked on.

This just seems strange to me.  This paragraph could apply to just about any lousy 90's arcade racer, like Ridge Racer or Cruis'n World (YES, I SAID IT).  Daytona was different because it was deep man...  They don't make arcade racers with that kind of handling and quirkiness anymore.  So for you to take that for granted is kind of sad.  BTW, ever considered buying a racing wheel for your 360/PS3 and inviting over the boys, girls, and booze for the "authentic" Daytona experience?

Daytona USA was an experience. And it’s the sort of experience that can never be brought home. Sure, we can search online for seven like-minded old school players to have a go, but that doesn’t come close. What might have come close, would be local multiplayer, so that at least you could invite friends over and split-screen race to your hearts’ content. Guess what? Local multiplayer is not available. Oops.

Like I said before, the game's scope wasn't meant to include local multiplayer.  Not to mention that Daytona is that heavy of a game that you wouldn't want to share the screen with another player.  Do you even have ONE friend you know in real life that plays Daytona USA?

It’s a shame, because there is a demographic of players who want simpler, easier to pick-up-and-play titles in the face of the growing complexity and luster of the today’s top racing games, but Daytona USA swings the pendulum too far the other way, and gives us extreme barebones action, which manifests a definite fun factor, but one that cannot be sustained. Especially not when you’re playing all by your lonesome. And remotely racing with whichever few strangers you can find on the Net is less consolation than you might think. At least the kitschy main theme can still elicit a laugh or two: Daytonnnnaaaaaa! Let’s go away!!

I tell you what--I'd rather pay ten bucks to play Daytona online with seven other people at home, even if it's just for ONE HOUR.  But no, we can play "forever." Try finding working 8-player Daytona setups in a real arcade, including friends.  Sega did the best job that they could to port this.  To say this game is absolutely gimped is disgusting.  Oh, it's also nice you tacked on an additional .5 overall to the score just for the "kitschy" theme alone.

I'm done with that guy's review--it was mediocre and it pissed us all off.  I've never heard of this website before nor will I ever hear from it again.

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I know this is paining ya, but there's MORE!!!  The Official Xbox Magazine scores this game a 4.5 out of 10...

Once upon a time, texture-mapped polygons, bare-bones drifting, and gradual loss of tire grip were enough to earn a cheering crowd, but those days have passed. Daytona USA might lazily scratch a nostalgic itch, but there’s little else to entice modern audiences.

Arcade mode’s three bright tracks offer differing course lengths, lap counts, and turn severities. You’ll slipstream behind opponents to improve acceleration and top speed, coax your car to just the right drift angle as you squeal around tight turns, and try not to slide into walls when your tires turn to mush. Now you can even rewind time Forza-style from the pause menu. If your car didn’t control with all the grace of a buttered concrete block, those features might be worth exploring.

Online multiplayer rekindles fond memories of linked arcade machines, and 30 brief challenges break up the solo routine. But clunky handling and crayon visuals are a harsh reminder of why we rarely visit with the ghosts of videogame racing’s past. Daytona USA was once a pace-setting leader; now it’s a museum-ready relic.

+ Rewind feature lets you correct mistakes; serviceable multiplayer; retro arcade simplicity.

– Jittery handling; just three tracks; irritating soundtrack only true fanatics will love.

– Smoothed textures and a steady framerate can’t mask its age.

? Why doesn’t it include local split-screen multiplayer?

And that's it.  I'm dead f***ing serious.  That's the whole review.  And it's going up in this piece of trash magazine.  "Official Xbox Magazine," my ass.  This review addressed NOTHING other than that the "handling sucks" and that "it has a rewind mode."  Nothing else.

The handling.  MY GOD, THE HANDLING.  Learn to play the G-D game, you nebbish.

Barebones drifting??  Give me ONE game in recent history that has a SEMI-DECENT drifting system.  No, there isn't one because it's all this "Formula-D" crap or "boost to gain nitrous" or some load of ass like that.  So, no dice.

Tires melting???  What the hell game mode are you playing???  If you play the regular arcade/time-trial modes, there's no tire wear whatsoever.  The fact that he harped on it more than once is just downright idiotic.  A better line would be "The Survival mode sucked," but no, the handling eternally sucks, the game is unplayable, etc.  Wtf.

Crayon visuals?  I'd rather be staring at Daytona USA than the dreary, generic landscapes of Split/Second or GRID.  I mean that times a thousand.

Soundtrack???  You kiddin' me?  You mention the words "Daytona USA" to any arcade connoisseur and the first words you get back are "Roooolllinnnnnnnggg  Sssttarrrttt!!!!"  People hate the Daytona soundtrack?  Where are these people?

"Rarely visit the ghosts of videogame racing's past?"  "A museum relic?"  Alright, bro.  F*** it, let's throw all old racing games in the trash!  All aboard the Need for Speed/Burnout train!  First of all, why is that, of all old games, RACING GAMES must be ignored but other genres don't???  We still play Mario, we still play Zelda, we still play Contra, we still play Street Fighter, we still play Doom, we still play Final Fantasy, but we CAN'T play Daytona USA.  Just burn all bridges to the past and replace them with a shiatload of production value, useless cinematics, and a trail of DLC.  What a putz, a pustule, a schmuck.

This reviewer is the talking ass.

Let me just conclude saying this.  What good does this review do?  We're talking about a ten-dollar XBLA title that'll probably be brushed under the rug within a month.  So you played the game for five minutes and didn't like it?  Why does it MATTER that this review's in the magazine or not?  I learned NOTHING about the game at all other than one (stupid) man's opinion of the thing.  Besides, you can always download the demo and try the game for yourself.  Who cares what this guy thinks when you have the demo???

Official Xbox Magazine...does anyone really care about this trash?  Like do you wake up in the morning, read gaming news on GameSpot, Kotaku, Reddit, Joystiq, etc. and see tons of wonderful media about OXM?  No, and that's because it's garbage so it needs to go away.  Not to the museum but to the dumpster behind the museum.  Then thrown in the incinerator.  Good riddance.

Oh, and I expect that there will be one intrepid reader out of a thousand who will say this.  "Eric, why do you trash games like Split/Second and Need for Speed when you've only played them for five minutes???  Isn't that hypocritical???"  Five things:

1. I play these games for more than five minutes.  As much as it pains me too, it's my solemn duty to do so.  I've plunked numerous quarters into Fast & Furious and I had a stroke.  So, never again, I said.

2. I write better reviews with MORE INFORMATION than these guys do.  Like if a game sucks, I don't say "the tires are made of butter," and then call it a day.

3. I'd like to think I have more clout on traditional racing game reviews than some guy who's only been reviewing games at OXM for just two weeks (seriously, here's the guy's profile).

4. I'm not getting paid to do reviews.  The other guy is.  So I do these reviews purely for my own respect and integrity.  Lord knows that this guy was probably shuffling through game after game to make a buck off of a few paragraphs he types down on the fly.

5. I'M NOT PUBLISHING THESE REVIEWS AS FACT IN A "RESPECTED" PERIODICAL THAT THOUSANDS OF GAMERS WILL UNWITTINGLY CONSUME AND REGURGITATE!!!

The irony of this whole situation is while OXM scored the game a 4.5, the UK version of OXM scored it a 9.0.  Its review is actually more informative and gave a nod to Daytona USA 2.  Thus proving that American gaming is dead as we know it.  Seriously, the United Kingdom is friends of Sega...we know this very much now.

An arcade classic and a reverential conversion mean that the definitive version of Daytona is finally available on XBLA. We can't wait to see which of Sega's spectacular arcade back catalogue will be next to receive the same attention. You know, Daytona USA 2 never got a proper home conversion either...

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Oh, and one more kick-in-the-ass for the road.  So, a few months ago, my mom unwittingly got another subscription of GameInformer the last time she went to GameStop.  Oh, God, no.  But I still read it anyway just to gain surveillance on the "enemy."  My mom brought a few of these magazines down to Florida when she visited so I scanned through them as usual.

They reviewed a game.  What game you ask?  Burnout: Crash.  Gave it a 7.5 out of 10.  I s*** you not.  EDIT: Forgot to post the link to the review so here it is.  I couldn't even get through this whole review before it came up with the blanket statement--"uh, it's good, just go buy it."  Love this line at the end:

Kinect
Crash also includes Kinect functionality for Xbox 360 owners, but I wouldn’t recommend this sloppy option. Hopping and stepping around replace the simple analog stick and button controls with disastrous results.

Wait, so using the Kinect with this game is BAD?  What about the commercial with David Hasselhoff and all the posers??  I thought the Kinect was super-awesome-fun??   Well, that's ONE thing Criterion did right.  See Sonic Free Riders...no standard 360 control, no dice.

And you remember way, WAY back when I brought up the GameInformer reviews on Burnout 3 and OutRun 2?  OutRun 2 got a 6.5 score.  Burnout: Crash got a 7.5.  That means that Burnout: Crash is A WHOLE POINT BETTER than OutRun 2.  Doesn't that make you want to kick a baby?

Oh, and God Forbid if GameInformer were to actually review Daytona USA.  They said that OutRun 2 was "an old man on Viagra" so what does that make Daytona USA???  A mummified corpse from the seventh century??  Forget about it!!

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EDIT: And there's another bad Daytona USA review I missed!!  This one is from a site called Thunderbolt Games.  Gave it a 5 out of 10.  It said "omg not enough cars & tracks to unlock" and "wtf no local multiplayer" but I already dealt with that.  Lousy short-ass review.  NO MENTION OF HOW "GOOD" THE CONTROLS ARE.  They also said this:

The Xbox Live play was decent, though it took me quite a few tries to find races to join. And it may seem a little nitpicky, but I hate it when racing games don’t give me an option to restart the current race from the pause menu. Overall,Daytona USA is a lazy port that could have offered players more.

Um, you CAN restart the race while in pause menu.  Press Y to restart, right next to the rewind button, another feature you forgot to mention.  Another garbage review, guy didn't even bother playing it for more than 5 minutes.  PISS OFF!!

Get out, you enemies of Sega.

LEAVE SEGA ALONE!!! Pt. 2 What You Can Do About It

Hey, guys. This is a follow-up to the previous post where I ask you to see things from Sega's point of view.  It's super-late and I want to get some things in here.

But first, let me divert from my original thought a bit here.  I was watching ESPN last night (apparently, every sporting event was called off due to rain) and I saw a Rise of Nightmares commercial.  Now this ain't new to me but it's nice to see Sega getting a little face time in here.  Also funny how they take a poke at all these lousy Kinect games so they score points for that too.  And the game also looks like House of the Dead so it's not too bad (for a dark, violent game that is).



And whenever old people tell it like it is, it's usually awesome (cause old people don't care what others think...they're old and impatient and don't care about kissing ass so STFU AND LISTEN ALREADY).

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Now, as fans of a game developer, it sure is hard trying to be loyal and at the same time, get your point across. As a fan, there's very little you can do at times. But you can still do something. You represent your fanbase well. Get active in the community. You never know when employees of said game company may actually eavesdrop on your work. I mean, developers ARE human--they live in the same world as you and I. So all I ask AT LEAST is to be a good sport about it. Maybe they will repay the favor.

I'd really like to think that some Sega employees have read my blog although I doubt it.  I'll never really know. I have never been milquetoast when it comes to expressing my opinions on the Internet so this blog is now my favorite venue to do it.

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But even though you're a fan and you try to be a good sport, sometimes game companies do things that are blatantly stupid. It's one thing to be completely oblivious with what's going on inside the building (Sega??) but it's another to do something obviously stupid/illogical that attacks the fanbase.

See: Activision (Bobby Kotick but no one's a fan of Activision), Electronic Arts (obvious, once again, no fans anyway), Rockstar/Take-Two (Red Dead Redemption/L.A. Noire "sweatshop" work conditions), Nintendo (snubbed Starmen.net's massive Earthbound Anthology fan project), and Capcom (laundry list plus canceling Megaman Legends 3 so abruptly despite thousands of petitioners--"blaming the fans").

So what can you do as a fan when you're let down? Well, you can do a little, like I said before. You can post on random message boards, sign a few "petishuns," and feel sad about it, but there's even more. You can create things. Just because you're not a game designer doesn't mean you're inept.

Like we're talking about Daytona USA, right? We have message boards, blogs, strategy guides, YouTube videos, and user-made cars for games like Forza, Trackmania, and Nascar Racing. We can create fan art, fan fiction (rofl), fan games and emulators (see an example here). We can also try to work for Sega. And we can do more than that need it be.

I'm adamant in my stance for a new Daytona game as long as it doesn't tank Sega. I'm not asking for a 500-man studio with a $100 mil budget here, just a Daytona game with a standard amount of content! And this is something I said a very long time ago but I'll say it again... If for some reason Sega flat out refuses or is unable to make a new Daytona game, then we'll have to make our own equivalent to it. Sadly with all new cars, tracks, and music (unless we can pay Sega for the copyrights, rofl). But we're not "stupid" cause we know what it takes to make a good Daytona game. So if Sega wants to stand in our way, fine. We'll just do it without them and then they'll get 0% of the credit as opposed to 50% or so.

Speaking of which, there's very few Sega job opportunities here in the US but if you live in the UK around London, check out the Sega jobs you can get over there. Some of them are simple, like a straight up "Programmer." Come on, there's gotta be some people with video game expertise across the pond!

Good night folks and try to stay positive.

Sega: More Sinister Than Meets The Eye?

One of the things I do here on this blog is take a poke at other game developers, such as Nintendo, Activision, Microsoft, Namco, Capcom, Bethesda/id, whoever.  I'm not shy when it comes to this.  Love it or hate it, that's what I do.

But on the other hand, let's not pretend that Sega's as innocent as a choir boy.  No, they've done some stupid things.  And when I mean "stupid," I don't mean "didn't release a new Daytona game in the last 10 years," I'm talking other stuff.  Just stuff that's plain weird.  Almost weirder than making urinal games, that's for sure.

------------

This all began reading a Kotaku article about Sega.  Yes, Kotaku seems to be obsessed with bringing up negative pieces about Sega (well, they deserve it).  But this is what I learned.

In 1997, Sega wanted to merge with Bandai (the toy company) and get rich.  Then they would use their money for "world conquest," (AKA, buy Disney).  In other words, the Kotaku article made Sega look like a crooked Illuminati banker.  But five months before Bandai could sign the papers, they bailed on Sega because they were afraid they would impose drastic changes to their company.  In other words, Sega was creepy evil.  A day later, the Bandai President resigned?  Why?  Maybe cause Sega held a gun to his head.

All we know is Namco later merged with Bandai, thus giving them the advantage of Gundam Wing, Power Rangers, and Tamogatchi (a BIG success after the failed Sega merger...Sega missed out on big money).  And who did Sega merge with?  Heh...Sammy, a company I know nothing about.  Except that they made some light gun game...I dunno what's up with that.

EDIT: Well, Sammy made pachinko machines, read on for more...  Oh, and glancing over this Kotaku article again, where the hell's the proof that Sega wanted to buy out Disney (or everything else for that matter)?  No links, references, sources--typical of airhead gaming blogs.  Proof, schmoof, just take their lousy-ass words for it.

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Then there's the Sega of the 16-bit era.  They wouldn't mind seeing their rival Nintendo get taken down Burnout-out style.  So the advertising campaign began--the edgy hip look, "Sega does what Nintendon't," yada yada yada.

But the biggest sham in Sega advertising was "Blast Processing."  It was something that the Genesis had but the SNES didn't.  And what's Blast Processing anyway?  Heh...it's just a made-up term Sega created to inflate their self-ego.  A bold-faced lie.  Of course, in the 90's, graphics were EVERYTHING, the bit wars and so forth.  See the Jaguar, 3DO, and out beloved Sega 32X, all of were marketed purely on graphics and died out fairly quickly.



EDIT: Well, Sega really did what Nintendon't...and that is suck big time and die.  So in the end, Nintendo wins.

And also at the time in the UK, some Sega advertising folks was running some rather crude newspaper ads that would make any gamer blush.  These are on UKResistance, click here to see 'em.

This is the least offensive of the ads, it only gets worse...

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Then there's the Sega CD, that piece of crap with hardly any good games.  The cult classic of the console is Night Trap.  In this game made up entirely of video footage, you watched a couple of rooms in a house (security guard-style) while robbers as they broke in to kidnap a bunch of young girls.  Yikes.

Found this from some sweet Kotaku Photoshop contest.

It was up to you to activate traps in order to catch the bad guys.  Fail to do so and you get a lovely death cutscene.  This game displayed some rather "creepy" (more like cheesy) footage of girls being taken away by masked bandits, some of which would say portrays rape scenes.  Why these guys would break into a house to steal girls...I don't even wanna know.  This game was presented in front of a congressional hearing (along with other culprits like Doom and Mortal Kombat) in order to create an ESRB rating we have today.  So thanks, Sega, for publishing stupid games like this.

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And speaking of the Sega CD, let's talk about Sonic CD.  Now I mentioned this earlier...the secret message you can see by entering certain numbers in the Sound Test menu.  Why do they even had sound tests in games anyway???  If one sfx doesn't work, wouldn't the others not work too???

"Fun is infinite with Sega" - the "Devil."

But that's not the point, just see the video and tell me why Sega decided to include something like this.  Then again, Nintendo would pull ridiculous stunts like this too so what else is new.

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Ok, so let's talk about something a bit more entertaining.  This is Segata Sanshiro, the spokesman for the Sega Saturn.  You should know this guy by now.  Anyway, some of his commercials include beating up people, kids included.

"That's what you get for having social lives."  Really, this wouldn't fly in the rest of the world, would it.

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One more and this is a really funny story.  It's an urban legend about an old 80's arcade game called "Polybius."  Rumor has it that a few of these black, non-descript cabinets were dropped in a few back-alley American arcades.  Kids that played them would suffer from nasty syndromes, such as headaches, nausea, nightmares, epilepsy, and suicidal thoughts.

These cabinets disappeared just as quickly as they appeared, presumably because they were some government/paranormal experiment on mind control or some crap like that.  Apparently, the Men in Black came to take the cabinets away and only a few vague accounts of the game remain.  No roms, no game footage, nothing.

"You know nothing about what just happened here."

This is a fan-made game that's supposedly based on what Polybius was supposed to be like.  It's like a really crappy Asteroids clone with seizure-inducing background.  I only played it for a minute not because I developed suicidal tendencies, but because it sucked ass.  You can download the game in the video description.

So...what does this have to do with Sega?  Well, rumor has it (on top of an existing rumor, this is some Inception s*** here) that some of the legacy source code from Polybius was used in the Sega CD BIOS.  In other words, because traces of Polybius are in the Sega CD, that means that Sega was involved in the creation of Polybius.  Spoooooky.  As a matter of fact, a Sega employee posted this cryptic secret on the web and it's very credible and must be believed.  This is it in its entirety (when that site self-destructs and all traces are lost) and I don't expect you to read all of it but whatevs...

I was a programmer in Sega's arcade division. Suddenly, we recieved a request to create a game, which was very odd. This would have been ignored, but the source was supposedly a secret organization called "SINNESLOSCHEN", opearting with some sort of governmental power. I am still not sure to this day what country they were working for. We were given a project sheet, and a map of thehuman brain, and how to stimulate those areas, and were told to integrate them into a video game. Sega had quite a bit of money riding on this deal, and were not doing so well. The game took quite a bit of time, and we created technologies that were far beyond our time. A member of the group suggested the name "Polybius", which I remember veing the name of a scholar of some sort. The game's genre could be puzzler, but it also had some odd elements. THIS GAME IS REAL. The game testers who worked for us had odd mind prolems, like losing memory and other such things, like loss of arcadegame fandom. I cannot remember what we designed the arcade case to look like, because it was done by another group. After the project, we signed papers promising secrecy, and if I am discovered, I may get in serious trouble. However, I believe that this needs to be known.

At the beginning of this page, I mentioned the "Sega Genesis CD". I was involved in several projects after "Polybius", and eventually, I ended up on the "Sega Genesis CD" team. While we were designing this, an issue came up. I cannot remember the details, but it involved the two processors synching up. It turns out that Polybius was discovered to use two processors, working in a way similair to what we wanted for the "Sega Genesis CD". We were afraid of getting in trouble for using that game;s code, but we altered the game's BIOS anyway. However, MOST OF THE CODE THAT ACTIVATED THE MIND ALTERING SYSTEM (Details Classified) WERE IN THAT BIOS. The actual game ROM needs the BIOS to run. It was very much like a modern console in that manner. The point is, that I believe we left quite a bit of the "Legacy Code" of "Polybius" in the "Sega Genesis CD", at least in the earliest revisions. However, I was laid off shortly after, and though it was for "Misconduct", I practiced no such thing, and I beleive it was because I accesed Polybius's files. They were likely deleted from Sega's system afterwards. 

Really?  I don't think that the Sega CD was into mind control cause no one was playing that piece of crap.  Although I admit that the console intro (the vacant music) and the Sonic secret message above are pretty creepy.

Rated PG-13 for Language


Good old AVGN...back when he spoke with that snarky tone that is partial inspiration for my angry rants...he also reviews the Sega 32X.  It's even less flattering than the Sega CD review.

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EDIT: Finally one more, I must add this.  Thanks Shenmue Fan for pointing this out.  Hajime Satomi, founder of Sammy Entertainment (known for Pachinko machines), bought out Sega in 2004.  Satomi is supposedly head of the Yakuza (the Japanese Mafia for you idiots) and Sammy is just his money laundering operation.  He hustled down Sega with intimidation, blackmail, etc. (aka "sokaiya") then proceeded to kill Sega like a parasite.  If you don't get it by now, let me rehash: SEGA IS OWNED BY THE YAKUZA.  Which explains why they've made numerous Yakuza games but not one Shenmue sequel...

You toolbag, they got you making Yakuza games when you should be making Daytona USA 3!!!

Of course, this rumor may have been created to create an alibi for Sega's downfall, but still, you never know.........

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Anyway, Sega CD sucks, Sega is creepy, end of story.  Oh BTW, Nintendo was once associated with love hotels and the Mafia.  And you deliberately had Gunpei Yokoi killed in a car crash after the disaster that was the Virtual Boy.  So Nintendo, you're not off the hook either.

Sega Rally UK Appreciation Hour, F-Zero, Depressing Racing Games

Here's some assorted racing game stories just for you:

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Sega Rally Online Arcade has been out for a couple of days and there's only two reviews I know of: GameSpot (7.0) and Eurogamer (8.0).  There's really no need to criticize these reviews because there's not much to say about such a small game.  Gamespot quotes "The sun is always shining in the world of Sega Rally," which is a good thing since bright, saturated environments is a given in (most) Sega games.  Eurogamer quotes, "After this and the oh-so-excellent OutRun, let's have Daytona Online Arcade, yeah?" so at least it's nice to know there's Daytona fans in higher places.  Overall, main demerits are lack of content and no online ranking systems.

It is weird how Eurogamer is more flattering towards Sega...because most of the Sega racing diehards (I know of anyway) come out of the UK.  Well, their review is good.  I like how the writer has a more personal relationship with Sega Rally outside of the Xbox 360 so that's great to hear.

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Another racing game story that you may have missed--some people at Total Video Games have tracked down ex-Amusement Vision employees at a Mario & Sonic at the London Olympics.  They got one comment out of producer Osamu Ohashi who said, "It might happen, if someone comes up with a brilliant idea that would make both Nintendo and SEGA happy..."

Now saying "might" or "I want to" just doesn't cut the mustard anymore--it really doesn't.  Yu Suzuki might work on Shenmue 3.  Yuji Naka wants to work on Dreamcast 2.  Mark Fisher (of Sega Racing Studio) said "maybe" to a new Daytona game.  Well, better to say that than an outright "no" as to not hurt your fanbase or stick your foot in your mouth should the opposite happen.  So expect ambiguous BS from your devs from now on!!!

But I do think there will be another F-Zero for this new Nintendo "Cafe" console.  And sadly, Sega & Nagoshi-San will put more effort into one of Nintendo's IP's rather than any of Sega's racing IP's.  I hope I'm wrong, but with Nagoshi running around touting that new Binary Domain game, I really question that man's sanity...

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Hey, guess what game's making a comeback?  Carmageddon.  Yeah.  A site will release an announcement on June 1.  The site is hosted by Square-Enix Europe--I mean, really?  SQUARE ENIX???  Wouldn't you like to see THEM make a new Carmageddon game?  Holy crap, that would be the end of racing games, hence the game's title.  So there you go, a new Carmageddon, I'm stoked and you should be, jk rofl.

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Also, please be sure to check out my friend Dave's blog post right here on dark-colored racing games.  He makes a good point that a lot of these racing sims like GRID and DiRT are just trying to depress you with dingy hues.  EDIT: DiRT 3 averages 9.0 on review sites, therefore engraving this idea into devs that crap "realistic" hues are good.  NEWS FLASH: If you're trying to go for "realism," then don't cause real life is "depressing" enough as it is having to get out of bed and get to work in a world full of turmoil and death.  Remember our Kotaku friend Mr. EnigmaNemesis who recently called us "color fanboys?"  Isn't the world a great place to live?  EDIT: DiRT has some color, I know.  Not as much as Sega though.

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One last thing is that I added a "Fan Stuff" label so go looking for fan stuff now!!!

Disney World Trip Day 2 Pics (Thursday)

I greatly apologize for not posting this sooner.  Just getting all the pics sorted out was a pain as it is.  Let's recap the trip before I forget.  BTW, these are pics from my March '11 family vacation.


Day 1 (Wednesday)


WEDNESDAY (NIGHT):

I forgot to mention this part from the previous entry.  When we left Magic Kingdom, we tried to get into Epcot just to check it out.  We rode the monorail over and unfortunately, the Disney pass will only allow you in one park a day.  So we left Epcot and went to Disney Downtown when it started to rain and ducked into this restaurant called Wolfgang Puck's (not making this up).  Then we ate there and went back to our cabin in Fort Wilderness.

THURSDAY, MARCH 10:

We're all going to Epcot which I was stoked for.

It's the Epcot Center!  It's called Spaceship Earth.  It's supposed to be a ride but screw it--we didn't ride it cause it sucks.

 Here is another pic of Spaceship Earth with big plaques with tiny names of people.

Lucky for us it was HGTV's Floral Month or something so there's grass statues of everything.  Here's Lotso the Bear from Toy Story 3.  SPOILER: Lotso is an a**hole, go to Hell Lotso, no one loves you.

Oooo look, it's Mickey Mouse!!!

It's Lightning McQueen!!!

We are in the Land of Tomorrow, not to be confused with Magic Kingdom's Tomorrowland.  This future land makes Tomorrowland look like The Jetsons.  WHY AREN'T ALL THE BUILDING HERE MADE OF CHROME, DAMMIT!!??

Here is the monorail zipping above us!  At 40 mph (64 kph), not very futuristic if you ask me.

This is a nice flower bed you could see while riding the monorail.  Freakin sweet.

It's the water-spitting things I remember a long time ago!  They are not as impressive as before--they spray randomly with not much accuracy--they don't hit the same exact spot always and it wasn't windy.

Nice friggin fountain.

We're now entering this mall called The Land.  This has to be the best name ever conceived.  Really, we're on land, it makes perfect sense.

Actually, I don't think there was much to do in here except stop at a few restaurants or go on a few rides.  But it looks big and impressive, I admit.

Inside The Land, we went on this one ride called Soarin'.  You walk down these long-ass hallways until David Puddy tells you to fasten your seat-a-belt and you watch a 5-minute IMAX aerial video while this machine lifts you slightly into the air.  Sounds great.

Ok, we get it, Land of Tomorrow is great, but what else is there?  Well, there's the World Showcase.  I had no idea how interesting this place was because there's a couple of acres room displaying the intricacies of a bunch of countries.  This includes buildings, restaurants, stores, and even employees from said country working there.  So it's like you're actually in another country, I guess.  Let's check it out.

Okay, let's start with Canada, eh.

Martin Short?  But I thought he wanted to go to Dinosaur World!!!

A little concert stage in Canada.  I presume they play Rush concerts every hour on the hour.  Otherwise, what else could there be...Dudley Do-Right routines?

This is the United Kingdom.  My mom is so fascinated with anything UK-related that it's ridonkulous.

A flower garden.  We would revisit this place later since we're were haulin' ass through the whole place.

It's the crocodile from Peter Pan with two birds walking by.  Perfect picture!!!

Now here's France.  Boooooooring cause you can't walk by the fake Eiffel Tower.  And it's nothing but expensive restaurants and perfume stores.  No thanks.

A closer picture of France.

Now we're in Morocco.  This is the token Arabic country.  Unfortunately, not much to do here either.

YES, we made it to Japan!!  LOL, I just turned into a weaboo.  I'm just joking.

Another pic of Japan; I would come back here later.

 Another cool Japanese picture.

Now we're in America.  Somehow, the Philadelphia State Hall comes to mind.  This is where foreigners come to learn about the Founding Fathers, the Constitution of the United States, GOD, GUNS, GUTS, AND WIDE OPEN SPACES!!!

 As we're walking, we pass by a miniature train village.  I love stuff like this.

GET ALONG LITTLE DOGGIE!!

We're walking somewhere.  I think this is Germany.

Yes, we're in Germany.  This must be where the fat bratwurst-eating kids go.  This is where I go to honor my white German heritage...as does 50% of all Americans belong, I'm so special.

If you go in the gift shop and pull a secret lever behind in the beer mug shelf, you'll discover a secret rave club gettin down to the house music.  We're all living in America, Coca-Cola, Wonderbra...

This is Italy.  Italy sucks cause it looks like Spain.  Italy also sucks cause there's no Ferrari museum.  And I don't want to eat pizza and spaghetti so screw it.

Look, it's Lady and the Tramp, lol!!!

And we're in China which I always thought was neat.  It doesn't have the video games that Japan does, but we still love it anyway!!!  Fortunately, no Tienanmen Square/Communist tank replicas.

This is Norway.  I'm not terribly interested in Scandinavia & vikings in general so there wasn't much to do here.

And this is the last country on the list, Mexico.  Finally, we stop and eat some overpriced tacos.  If you go inside this pyramid, you enter some Maxican villa/marketplace

At this point, I think our family decided to split up into pieces and just walk which way.  All I know is that I went back to Japan to check out the store.

Wow, holy s***, I gotta tell ya I was a bit stoked to come here.  OMG, Pokemon toys, Naruto t-shirts, Hello Kitty stuff, WWWEEEEEE!!!!

Up until this point, I hadn't by anything with my money.  So I saw all those Pokemon plushies and started grabbing some of them.  Okay, so I kind of do like Pokemon, but not THAT much (I haven't played any Pokemon games besides Red/Blue).  So I get a couple of Pokemon--Snivy, Palkia, Ho-oh, and some other guys.   Then I looked for Sega-related stuff.  There was just a few Sonic-related items so I grabbed a hat.  As I take this to the cash register, the young man behind me made an interesting comment:

GUY: You've got good taste there, my friend.

ME: Ehh, not enough Sega stuff here.

GUY: I hear you.  You like Pokemon?

ME: Not that much.  I figured I'm not going have the chance to buy these Pokemon toys in a long time.

GUY: Yes, I got the new Pokemon Black/White, etc. blahblahblah I forgot....

I think I could've talked more, but I don't know...I was just buying a bunch of Pokemon toys, I felt like a bit of a loser.  The nice Japanese lady at the register said thank you and bowed for me so I bowed back...yeah, better get used to hanging out with actual Japanese people if I want to chill with Yu Suzuki and make the new Daytona game.

But this store didn't carry just anime stuff, it also had samurai swords!  I have no interest in swords, just gimme a gun or a ballistic knife or something.

I scoured the rest of the store looking for anything else Sega-related but there was nothing...you can buy more t-shirts, kimonos, mats...uh, and some pocky.  Hey, I'll just stick with the Milky Way bars.

So I'm hopping from country to country with my dad and we stop by the Chinese museum...wow, the Terracotta army...this place is both FUN and EDUCATIONAL!!

Then we go back to Germany and look at the shot glasses they had there.  Wow, they had a lot of shot glasses (no pictures, sorry).

We go into the Mexican pyramid and here's an entire village of Mexican stuff.  Arriba, arriba, andalay!!  Jump da border!!  Via con Dios.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S EVEN MORE!!  There's another cool ride in Epcot called the Test Track.  Okay, now you know anything car-related makes me giddy.  Let's go check it out.

This is the entrance to the Test Track, brought to you by Government Motors (GM)!

You get inside and it's like a crash test facility.  Only instead of test dummies, they use real people, I think.

After we're taken into a room and forced to watch a video of some clipboard guy who'll subject your car to grueling test, you get in the six-seater car.  What a lame-ass car.  No steering wheels to hold on to.  Hardass plastic seats.  If this is the car of the future, I'm gonna be pissed.

We're in the car and we're ready to roll!

This is the last picture I got with my camera before I flew out and beaned an unsuspecting ride attendant in the face.  JK.  This is the ride on YouTube (not my video):

You go at 70 mph (113 kph) for about ten seconds at the end, making it the fastest ride in Disney World, apparently.  Lame, I wanted to ride in a stock car at 180+ mph.  I mean, I drive 70 mph on the highway, the only difference here is that I'm on rails and there's no car roof.  Didn't change the fact that it was fun.

After the ride, you're deposited into this Shameless GM Self-Promotion Room with fuel cell cars!  Yes!

A Camaro, NICE.

I don't know what car this is but it looks hella cool.

Damn, look at all these cars, just like freakin Gran Turismo...

Before you leave, you have to check out the 9 pm fireworks show.  There's a big lake that all the countries border.  All this crap blows up in this island out there.  Terrorist attack in Disney World!!!

And then out comes this illuminated globe.  Apparently in praise of the United Nations which hasn't done anything to change the fact that more than half of the world's countries are totalitarian hellholes.  WTG, Disney.

And then there's an assload of fireworks.

Then we go back to our little Fort Wilderness cabin.  The end, will post Friday/Saturday real soon.