Sunday, December 23, 2012

Our Third Festivus Airing Of Grievances!

We do this every year.  We gather everyone around the table and let them know how much they have disappointed us this year!  Whatever, this is late, un-proof-read, horribly biased, and already discussed in previous posts but let's do it.  This'll be the best Festivus yet!!!

Sega: I know you've been on hard times and we love you.  Even the Level 5 lawsuit may be on your side after all.  But what's with the piss-poor advertising campaign for Binary Domain and Sega All-Stars Racing: Transformed?  I don't watch a lot of TV but I do watch Speed Channel.  And I've seen hundreds of World of Warcraft: Mists of Pandaria and Halo 4 Mountain Dew commercials but only ONE DANICA PATRICK in Sega All-Stars Racing commercial???  I hope you're doing a better job on other channels cause I've had friends who've said they only heard about these two games through my blog, sheesus..

Sumo Digital: Where's Ryo Hazuki and Segata Sanshiro as playable characters in Sega All-Stars Racing 2, noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Electronic Arts: Taking pot shots at you is way too easy and everyone's done it (see the Worst Company in America contest).  But I will bring up something new.  I've been playing SimCity Social on Facebook for a little bit (my previous employer worked on Facebook games, after all) and I must say the abrasiveness of the game's in-game advertising is too much to bear.  From the "Spin City" slot machine that pops up from start up (that uses diamonds paid for with real's borderline gambling) to Burt in the U-Haul truck trying to sell you keys to get the crappy contents inside (stupid trucks drive around town with the arrows everywhere) to the constant friend message spam (you have to enter the game to answer messages...a pain in your friends' asses), all of this s*** that pops up on the screen that harangues me to death makes me want to light your game on fire and go throw crap all over my living room and pick it up since it's a lot more enjoyable than dragging my mouse pointer to pick up "doobers" in your "interactive Flash movie" that barely counts as a game (wow that was a long sentence).

Need for Speed/Forza Horizon: Do I really need to explain?

Microsoft/Activision/Blizzard/Ubisoft/Bungie/Rockstar/Bioware/Bethesda/Just About Every AAA Studio: Can't really pin this down on any particular person, thing, or franchise but here goes.  Noticing a trend of games of turning games into movies...usually violent movies.  And dumbing them down to casuals.  And enhancing the "social" experience by trying to shoehorn Facebook-like features into games that I'll never use.  And the Kinect which I will never like.  Sorry if I sound like an ornery old gamer (24 years old, hooboy) but geez, you know what I'm getting at here.  Getting old fast.

Harmonix: Well, I like your Rock Band DLC.  But over the last year, your DLC stream has become weaker than an old man's prostate.  Averages three new songs a week.  And then last week was Elton John.  This should be a GREAT week for keyboards.  But they release a three-pack!  Only two of the songs are new, the third one is already available in Rock Band Blitz (HMX did it again next week with a My Chemical Romance pack).  Trust me, the two new ones are good but it's still a blown opportunity.  The last chance Harmonix will ever browse Elton's library and they don't include Rocket Man, Tiny Dancer, Bennie and the Jets, or Beyond the Yellow Brick Road???  Rock Band Blitz was good, the half-off all pre-RB3 DLC sale was good, but at this point, Rock Band DLC has gotten really weak, possibly in anxious anticipation of the series' slow death.  But still, why no Rocket Man???

GameFAQs/Reddit/Kotaku: I don't always want to light a match in a pool of gasoline, but when I do, it's from reading your comments/message boards.  And when you do your little "Sega sucks" and "Valve rules" hit pieces.

Kevin Butler: RIP, Kevin.  You blew it now, buddy.  You had to dabble with Mario Kart Wii in those Bridgestone commercials.  Now the last likable character from Sony is gone.  And yes, I don't find characters like Kratos or Sackboy likeable, shame on me.  Who's gonna be my main in Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale???  D'OH, THANKS!!!

Danica Patrick & Dale Earnhardt Jr: For letting down the fans!!! Two most overrated drivers ever!!!  WIN A RACE FOR ONCE!!!  WIN A RACE IN THE SEGA CAR, DANICA!!!  BUT NOOOO, THEY NEVER WIN!!!  Seriously, I was the only one who got stoked for Danica's Sega car debut and she placed 14th which is mega underwhelming.  Only good news is that she didn't wreck the car.  What a piece of crap.  Juniyah, have another Diet Mountain Dew.

Spike & G4TV: You done, son!!!  Adios, TKOed, historical.  G4TV is done and Spike (with its God awful VGA's) will be too with their imbecilic macho gamer programming!  MANswers--do I need to be lectured about beer, boobs, boners, guns, and flatulence?  Well I like guns so I can't complain.  EDIT: That sounded kinda gay...I like women but when you deliberately stick boobs on TV, it's just dumb.  When you go, take YOLO, Mountain Dew, and dubstep with you.

NFL/Roger Goodell/ESPN: Now the Saints have been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs.  Good riddance, this season can't end soon enough.  Commissioner Roger Goodell is full of himself.  Citing phony evidence of pay-to-injure bounties and slandering players who profess it never existed.  Bans Sean Peyton and several players and takes away draft picks, a punishment unprecedented in the NFL.  ESPN hypes up the issue and cheers as our world collapses on the year we have a chance at winning the Superbowl in our home stadium.  And yet, Roger, taking the side of "player safety," is encouraging an 18-game season and Thursday Night Football games which means less time for players to rest, exacerbating injuries in general.  And a team in London--could you imagine the jet lag of a team traveling from London to California/Seattle (8 hour difference???).  Plus he's trying to dumb down defense as best as he can and pimp offensive stats to cater to the fantasy football types.  This guy is a loathsome fool.  Now NFL players, announcers, and sports pundits alike are starting to side with the Saints but it's too late...we missed a shot at the Superdome Lombardi and a year of Drew Brees' prime is wasted.  Screw 'em, everyone one of 'em.

EDIT: I know this is old but how about this.  What's with ESPN's rumors on Sean Peyton going to Dallas?  And Mickey Loomis (Saints GM) "Wiretapgate", trying to dump on the Saints even more when there's NO PROOF that it's true?  ESPN isn't in the biz of reporting news, they're in the biz of reporting made-up news for ratings.  Again, screw that channel.

Speed Channel: Now I like Speed, it's the only thing I can tolerate on TV anymore (ESPN sucks ass now).  But there's a few things to you guys have anything better to play in primetime besides My Ride Rules and Dumbest Stuff on Wheels reruns?  And why did you cancel 101 Cars You Must Drive after one season?  Alonzo Bodden only got to drive 50 cars, what a shame.  And you also lost exclusive Formula 1 coverage which sucks but that's the biz.  Hopefully you don't turn into Fox Sports any time soon (which explains why random UFC crap appears at midnight-3 am).

All My Web Browsers: Why is it when I browse ANY webpage on both my laptops, all the animated gifs DON'T play until I move the cursor or highlight over them?  Is my Internet broken or something?  This has been happening for months.  WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY COMPUTAH!!!

Myself: For not working as much on Super Sprint as I should have.  And for not updating the blog as much.  And for getting fired from my job...

And now for the Feats of Strength but that's impossible to do over the Internet...perhaps a round or two of Virtua Fighter or Fighting Vipers instead???

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