Sunday, April 1, 2012

Can't Eat Teddy Grahams Anymore!

But first--a funny story.  So two days ago, I put some frozen chicken nuggets on a plate and popped it in the microwave for just 1:30.  Then I put on some headphones and got back to computer work.  Unaware to me was that the microwave was still microwavin' 13 minutes later (oops, I pressed the '0' twice and couldn't tell cause the LCD numbers suck).  Go back to see my nuggets are absolutely fried (thankfully, no flames).  Doused them with water and threw them in the trash.  Took the trash out but it was too late--the apartment smelled like burnt chicken for two days.  Weird stuff, man.


But that's not the point.  We're talking about Teddy Grahams, the snack food by Nabisco.  Now I love the chocolate Teddy Grahams (AKA "Plushy Knights") and usually bring the box to school and eat a few at times.  So what if it's for 5-year-olds, haters gonna hate and you're just jealous that I have 'em and you don't.

First of all, it's a bit morbid that you'd be munching down on miniature teddy bears, right?  Oh so what, it's snack food--it's doomed to be eaten no matter what--by you, by pets, by bugs, etc.  But more peculiar things pop up...

There's two Teddy Graham shapes--one with the arms down and arms up as you can see here.  The ratio of arms down to arms up is about 3:1.  Seems about right but leave it up to kindergardeners to crunch the numbers for you.

The teddy with the arms up is peculiar for one reason.  The "arms up" gesture can mean many things but usually it means "help me."  For instance, when arms are being raised, it usually signals some sort of stress/emergency, like flash flood victims on the roof waving down choppers for help.  Or island castaways waving to planes.  Or a scared kid running to the arms of his mother.  But it's not necessarily a distress signal--it can be one of love, for instance, when a church congregation holds their hands up in worship or a person raises their hands to embrace loved ones or celebrate the occasion.

In case you didn't get the memo, the Teddy Grahams are TRYING TO TALK TO US.  They're waving "HEY, LISTEN TO ME!!!" but you respond by biting their head off.  It's sickening, like watching the baby turtles get marauded by the seagulls and giant enemy crabs.  I can't take it anymore--it just weirds me out.  I cry a little when I eat these guys.

I don't want to live on this planet anymore.  Nabisco is pure evil by feeding you innocent teddy bears.

I mean, look--the teddy grahams are just trying to live in their own little world and they get swept away, packaged in boxes, and consumed by evil consumers.  I feel absolutely terrible.  GO TO THE GROCERY STORE, BUY ALL THE TEDDY GRAHAMS, AND LIBERATE THEM ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!  BTW, the guy who drew this illustration is a bau5.

I'll get back to this blog after much therapy over SNACK FOOD FOR GOD'S SAKE.  Sorry to let you all and Sega down.  I need help big time, I know.


  1. This may be April Fools but it's awfully late for an April Fools joke so maybe I'm telling the truth after all??? YOU'LL NEVER KNOW...

  2. Any which way - that was a pretty funny article imo. It sort of reminds me of Goldfish crackers. "The snack that smiles back". Really? You're chewing them up. My kids always joke how morbid it is to eat them. :)

  3. Yeah that's messed up. Speaking of Goldfish, check this out: