BOYCOTT GAMEINFORMER MAGAZINE, SCREW BURNOUT

EDITED ONE TIME.

Hello everybody (again).  I own this old stack of GameInformer magazines some friend gave me back in '02-'05.  I remember reading the old OutRun 2 review that brought my piss to a boil.  And it'll do the same to you.  I'm bringing it back into the limelight for the world to see.

This is from Issue #140, December '04:

SCORE: 6.5

A DEPRESSING MID-LIFE CRISIS

The one thing that this game can't outrun is the past.  When we last left our hero in the arcades way back in 1986, he was cruising down the highway with arm candy in the passenger seat and the sun was in his hair.  Now it's 2004 and there is very little that's different.  In some ways, that's a good thing.

Good!  I'd like racing games to be about driving from point A to B because I enjoy living in a fantasy world, not strapping rockets to my car and destroying on-coming traffic and killing innocent people!

OutRun 2 is a fast-paced game that confuses no one.  Put your hands on the steering wheel and mash the gas.  But instead of feeling exhilaring, this title is like an old man cruising around in a convertible with some bimbo in the front seat.  And while OutRun 2 has some moments (when the Viagra takes hold) where it's "still got it," the game is pretty much past its prime.

Viagra, huh?  Don't you feel clever coming up with that?

OutRun 2 is based off the arcade cabinet with the same name, and it keeps the branching paths of the first.  Making your way through each of the five different endings of the game won't take you long, and this basic structure, while a nice homage to the original OutRun, isn't enough to prop the title up to greatness or even "pretty goodness."

First of all, it's a straight arcade port.  You can't expect a port to have a hundred tracks now, do you?  And what the hell's wrong with the original concept of branching paths, huh?  It's actually quite clever, don't you agree?  And not even "pretty goodness"--what does that mean, the graphics suck?

Instead, the core of this title is its speed.  It's not as rip-roaring as Burnout 3, but OutRun 2 contains some excellent camera work that helps amplify your sense of speed.  For instance, it'll pan back when you're going down a hill to give the feeling that you're really bombing the sucker at a devilish pace.

Yes, the speed is important to the game, thank God someone besides me noticed.

You'll also enjoy drifting through corners, a technique that is absolutely necessary in later stages of the tracks.

Love the great emphasis on the technical portion of the driving.  Makes you think this is like a Cruis'n game--just go through the motions, the game's easy, no challenge whatsoever!  Ask the professional arcade dudes what they think of it, like some of our mates like F40 or rjay...

Outside of the main arcade mode, the game asks you to perform 101 various feats for the approval of the demanding honey in the passenger seat.  Far from adding depth, this gets old because you're racing the same sections of track that you just beat in the main game.

I do admit that the Heart Attack modes are an acquired taste, but to dismiss them altogether would be an insult to the serious OR2 players.

There's even room for the original OutRun, but by this time, you've already lost interest and are ready to move on to a more demanding and engaging title altogether.  In all honesty, you don't want to play the original, as it'll only remind you how little was done with this sequel, even though it has the advantage of having 18 years to come up with at least one original idea--which it doesn't.--KATO

Let me say this--THIS GUY IS A DUMBASS EXTRAORDINAIRE!  How little was changed?  Are you serious?  The gameplay is SIGNIFICANTLY different than the original OutRun!  No more Hi-Low gear, actual manual transmission, licensed Ferraris, different diverse courses in 3-D, actually resembles a standard 3D racing game, et. al.

And another thing.  Why is it that every single racing game needs to reinvent the wheel, huh?  Why is it that with EVERY racing game you can change nothing at all--put whatever crap you want in it, Need for Speed, Burnout, Fast and the Furious, whatever, but because this OutRun 2 we're talking about, it HAS to adhere to its past and come up with new ideas or it's a bust?  Huh, why change up the theme (as opposed to gameplay)?  It is NICE to drive around in a Ferrari and feel like you're traveling somewhere!

Do tell Mr. Kato...what ideas would you have recommended for this game?  How about putting some chainsaws on the hood and running over innocent pedestrians while flying 400 MPH into the air...does that sound fun to you?

Concept: The only racing game where you get hen-pecked into doing well

Obviously this is an insult to us all.  It's a skill-less game, apparently.  Go play a Midway racing game, you toolbag.  Just drool at the screen...oh...FREE RACE IF I COME IN FIRST!!??  And you never come in first cause of the rubber-band AI.  But I drove so good back there too!!

Graphics: Delivers a good sensation of speed and is solid looking

How flattering.

Sound: Even with seven selectable songs (including those from the original game), your ears will shrivel themselves rather than withstand the abuse

Really, the sound is bad?  You fail to even mention it in the review!  Tell me what's better...Need for Speed with it's annoying rap soundtrack?  Burnout with all it's Ramones and punk/alternative crap?  And the sound...how's that bad too?  Once again, saying something is just bad does the reader NO GOOD, go into detail...

Playability: Drifting using the triggers feels super smooth and is absolutely essential to winning

Once again, let's quickly summarize the gameplay in one sentence without even BOTHERING to go into the depth of the game!  Let's just say it's only good for the nostalgia factor and that's it!  Not even worth playing for fun or for a challenge!

Entertainment: The arcade premise is what makes it fun, but it also holds this title back

Okay, so arcade racing games are crap now!  Not that good!  What about Burnout?  I didn't know Burnout was a sim racer considering how high you talk it up!  Get out of here!!

Replay Value: Moderate

To be fair, this was the first OutRun 2 home port so it only had the original 15 courses, but for OutRun 2006, that's another story.

Second Opinion 6.5: It's been an outrageously long time since this franchise made an appearance on home consoles.

So what if this is an "old franchise," it might as well be a completely new game for all I care!  In all honesty, I've played OR2 before OR1 so it's not like I was craving this nostalgia rush...I wanted a damn good racing game, that's what I wanted!!

Long enough, in fact, that OutRun 2 benefits from the nostalgia factor that all of us feel toward the experience, I swear, those ready-set-go beeps instigate a Pavlovian response deep within my soul to bash the pedal to the floor in the name of love.

Oh sweet, so deep down inside you actually DO like arcade racers, but really, what other games make you feel this way, huh?  Once again, relying entirely on nostalgia.  THIS IS A DIFFERENT GAME FOR GOD'S SAKES!

There are other arcade-styled racers out there that trump this game in graphics, soundtrack and physics; and for those reasons, this is a title living on nostalgia factor alone.

In other words, "Burnout is better."

I still really dig the flashback--but only for a few minutes.--LISA

Go back to playing Burnout or Motorstorm or whatever crap, you dumb broad!  Good riddance.

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Oh, and how did you know this magazine reviewed Burnout 3?  This one's from Issue #138, October '04 (two months before):

Yes, I already grilled Burnout many times before, like last week even!  I'm not in the mood to waterboard myself by reading through this whole damn thing, so I'll just pick out excerpts to show you how damn stupid this is: 

SCORE: 9.25 

Deep down inside, even the most humble of personalities have pondered the question "What would happen if I slammed the pedal to the medal and launched my car into that fuel tanker?"


 

Hmm...how about YOU AND OTHER INNOCENT PEOPLE DIE.  RED CONCRETE, BLAZING FIRE, AMBULANCE SIRENS, MASSIVE TRAUMA, PEOPLE IN COMAS HANGING ON TO LIFE, FUNERALS, AND GRIEVING FAMILIES.  Really, what the hell is this crap?  Isn't it a bit sick that we're glorifying such realistic wrecks in such a way?  At least it's comical in Outrun.  In Burnout, it's about as "gruesome" as it gets.

You know how these lawyers and politicians are going after FPS games for violent crimes?  What about Burnout and aggressive driving?  I'm not saying I wish Burnout got sued, but really, it's like everyone turns a blind eye on this stuff.

I also like how Mrs. Lisa above references the "Pavlovian response deep within my soul to bash the pedal to the floor in the name of love" as if she wanted to smash the Ferrari to bits above, but because "nostalgia" wouldn't let her do it (it's OutRun, not Burnout), she hated it.

As it turns out, Burnout 3 is a celebration of these reckless driving dreams.  It rewards players for swerving through oncoming traffic, applauds knocking opponents off of cliffs, and ultimately begs the question, "Just how much damage can one vehicle inflict upon a crowded highway or busy street?"

Great idea, Criterion!  Let's make a game that REWARDS players for losing!  The game's too hard to play?  Don't actually encourage people to race technically, just smash into stuff!

.....adxfgj,hffglij;oklkjhtgtrryhjjhgtgser.......... *shoots self*

You know what, that's it, I honestly can't go through any more quotes in this review.  I was so tempted at this point to post a picture of someone vomiting, but that's too disgusting--I won't let you guys see that.  I can't stand Burnout and I can't stand GameInformer.  DON'T BUY THIS MAGAZINE!!

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Hey, check it out, UK Resistance has already put up a piece mocking game reviewers and their inability to convey a good image of the game by taking piss-poor game screenshots.  Read it here.

Let me reiterate what I meant.  This isn't so much an attack on Burnout as it is the media.  Okay, so Burnout is crap, but at least it has decent production value although it completely misses the point with all these crashes.  But with the way these guys like those in GameInformer and whatnot who trash or completely ignore anything Sega puts out but loves everything else, I am going to snap.

I'm actually amazed that Sega AM2 and Sumo Digital have managed to produce more OutRun 2 games after this initial release in '04 because GameInformer's review wasn't that far off from the mainstream.  Game didn't sell too well at any point in history so screw it, it's all about Burnout nowadays...  We'll have to fight this battle without these guys.  THEY'RE DRONES, JUST IGNORE THEM...just let them sit in their underwear at home in their mom's basement...drinking their Mountain Dew...playing God of War and World of Warcraft and filling their breaks with Burnout....with the spittle on their chin while they're saying, "eehehe..Burnout..ehehe..look at this wreck...ooo epic-ness...heheh..."

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And now I end with one more thing.  This is from the book Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury, written some time in the 1950's.  I read this book in school which I'm certain many of you have as well.  It takes place in a dystopian future where books are banned and burned (no worries...we'll have Wikipedia and blogs until those are taken away too in the name of "net neutrality").  People are idiots who overdose on pills and watch multiple big-screen TVs at once.  Sounds awfully familiar.

In the first chapter, Guy Montag (the "fireman" protagonist) meets this innocent girl named Clarisse who says this about "school":

"It's a lot of funnels and a lot of water poured down the spout and out the bottom, and them telling us it's wine when it's not.  They run us so ragged by the end of the day we can't do anything but go to bed or head for a Fun Park to bully people around, break windowpanes in the Window Smasher place or wreck cars in the Car Wrecker place with the big steel ball.  Or go out in the cars and race on the streets, playing 'chicken' and 'knock hubcaps.'  I guess I'm everything they say I am, all right.  I haven't any friends.  That's supposed to prove I'm abnormal.  But everyone I know is either shouting or dancing around like wild or beating up one another.  Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays?"

Just something to think about.  Good night.  After posting this entry...WOW, I feel good.