Thursday, December 23, 2010

A Festivus For The Rest Of Us

If you know me, I'm a huge Seinfeld fan.  December 23 may be Christmas Eve's Eve, but no--it is indeed Festivus.  See here; too bad it's an abridged version:

"The Strike" Season 9 Ep. 10, first aired December 18, 1997.


Now for my personal Airing of GrievancesI'm exaggerating here BTW so don't cry about it:

Sega, you didn't make that new Daytona USA game and I'm pissed!  As a matter of fact, you've done little more than piss on our childhood dreams!  All you do is publish games and take credit for it--you don't develop them!  Stop making games about urinals!  Also, try to build upon your old Dreamcast games rather than release they hackneyed ports that disintegrate in the bowels of Xbox Live Marketplace!

Toshihiro Nagoshi, you bum, stop hitting up the bars and tanning booths and make some good old Sega games from the old days!  No more of this Yakuza or Binary Domain crap, give me something Daytona-related!

Sonic Team, thanks for stabbing the Sonic franchise with a rusty shank all this time!

Nintendo, you're overrated and no one has the guts to say it so I will!  The Wii is a shovelware receptacle hinging entirely on the likes of Zelda, Smash Bros., Mario Kart, and miscellaneous motion control games!  Also, I will never forgive you for making the bikes overpowered in Mario Kart Wii!

Microsoft, the Kinect is a piece of crap!  Also, your little Xbox Live Avatars are incredibly ugly and seeing them makes me want to puke!

GameFAQs, your site is a good source of user-submitted guides, cheat codes, and reviews, but the message boards stink!  Your moderators are crazy and so are your little user-contests!  The Best Game contests are also lousy cause I can't take this Final Fantasy or Zelda crap anymore!  I also don't like in that "Rate The Song" contest on the Rock Band 3 board you posters gave Werewolves of London, I Can See For Miles, Foolin', Good Vibrations, and Rock Lobster (yes) crap scores while you gave Beast and the Harlot a good score (click here)!

Kotaku, you're turning into the G4TV of gaming blogs!  Stop pissing me off with your mis-representation of racing games, the miscellaneous science stories, dumb random crap, and all those anime chick pinups!

G4TV and Spike, congratulations on making me feel embarrassed to be a gamer!  X-Play is trash, Attack of the Show is lame, and Code Monkeys is the kind of crap my obnoxious WoW-obsessed Mountain Dew-drinking "accomplice" would like!

Game Informer, I'll never forgive you for that old OutRun 2 review where you gave it a 6.5!  Your magazine sucks and I hope you fail!

Activision, you are an embarrassment to the gaming community!  The way you slash and burn game companies--you do not allow any room for creativity or innovation!  It's all about the money, isn't it?

Namco Arcade in the mall, I'll never forgive you for taking away that Daytona USA 2 cabinet, regardless of the logistics behind it!

Forza 3 and Turn 10, I'm pissed at how the PI ratings are so screwed up that I can't play it anymore!  Perfectly good game goes to waste and now I can't play it anymore!

World of Warcraft, you ruined gaming as we know it with its grinding gameplay, crap graphics in which all the characters look the same, and turning everyone I know into zombies who use nerdy lingo and don't shower!

Midway and Raw Thrills, you suck, end of story.

All you people who don't read my blog, you don't know what you're missing so shame on you!

...I lost my train of thought, that's the end for me, I'm through.

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