Tuesday, April 19, 2011

CoD Black Ops: Murphy's Law

I have been playing Black Ops a bit in the last few weeks (understatement of the century) and I'm just getting really pissed at this game over stupid minutae.  REALLY, I MUST BE ONE OF THE UNLUCKIEST PLAYERS IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME.  Here's some of the things that have happened:


* When you pull the pin of a grenade, an enemy will always turn the corner and mow you down before you can even throw it.

* Even worse, when you intend to throw a grenade into a window or other tight spot, you will always get gunned down just as you release the nade.  And it will lose all momentum and plop right on the floor Martyrdom-style, accomplishing nothing.

* While waiting in one area for the enemy to appear, once you become impatient and leave/look another way, the enemy will run up from where you were previously looking and kill you.

* When you get a care package, you throw it in a safe area guarded by your teammates.  Then all your teammates will disappear/die and you will be killed by a Ghost just as the crate lands.  Then you lose your crate.

* If somehow you drop the care package safely and want switch the contents with Hardline Pro, a teammate will start trying to take the crate from you, thus nullifying your ability to swap.  So you will have to take what you got first.

* And when you do swap the contents of the package, you'll always get ammo or Valkyrie rockets.

* When you use a Tactical Insertion and die, there will always be an enemy waiting by your respawn point for the easy headshot/knife/tomahawk kill.

* When you enter a room and check all possible spots/approach points, an enemy will inexplicably reveal himself at the LAST place you check, thereby getting the jump and killing you with ease.

* Leading up to unlocking Tactical Mask Pro (which nullifies the effects of flashbangs/concussion nades), you will be abused to death by said grenades.  You will waste a perk slot with Tactical Mask for a long time because hardly anyone uses Nova gas.  Then when you finally get Tac Mask Pro, no one will use tactical nades anymore.

* NEW: When you do use Tac Mask Pro, everyone uses Claymores.  When you use Hacker Pro, everyone uses flashbangs/concussion nades.

* When capturing a point in Domination by your lone self, you will always die from a random nade or headshot when you are only ONE DAMN FRAME (99.9999% there) away from capping the point.

* NEW: And when you die capping this point by yourself, you have to make a decision on the fly..."Is the enemy coming from the left or right???"  You stare one way and the enemy comes from the other every time.

* Even worse is in Ground War, there will always be a party of really good players on the opposing team.  Your team will be greatly molested by Famas pros, chopper gunners and dogs.  To make it worse, you will never be assigned to their team so you will always get your ass kicked.

* To make Ground War worse, you will always have a bunch of noobs on your team who make no attempt to capture points or even provide backup.  They will die a lot and give the other team loads of killstreaks.

* When you are shooting at an enemy from a window, a teammate will always walk in your way.  The enemy will proceed to mow down you and your teammate, netting a double kill with ease.

* When sprinting to cover to avoid gunfire, you will always be killed by just a sliver margin away from actually making it to safety (I know this is lag, gimme a break).

* On the other hand, if you see an enemy with Lightweight running for cover, you will always be one shot away from killing him as he makes it to cover.  You may even try to pursue him, but he will always make it to cover before dying.

* Also when attempting to knife an enemy, you will always miss either because you weren't close enough (and thus didn't lunge at the enemy) or he will run circles around you.  He will always knife you while not looking at you but you can't knife him the same way.

* Or even worse, when you actually pull off a successful knife lunge, you will always be shot and killed just before the knife even touches him.

* When you get a clear shot on an enemy or group of enemies who aren't looking your way, you will be flanked by an enemy in similar fashion and will down you before you can get a kill.

* When entering a building with a bunch of teammates inside, you will use the inside as cover presuming that no one will come and kill you.  However, an enemy (usually a Lightweight) will run through all of your teammates and knife you in the back.

* There will always be a person on the other team of average skill (1.0 KDR).  Whenever you see this guy, he will always kill you no matter what the circumstances.  You cannot kill this guy; he will always kill you.

* When you get a Chopper Gunner, it'll be shot down right away.  On the other hand, if the other team gets a Chopper Gunner, it'll never be shot down and your team will seemingly die like a bunch of ants sprinkled by pesticide.

* When playing any game lobby (particularly Mercenary Mosh Pit), you will play Domination on Nuketown twice.  Then you will play Team Deathmatch on Nuketown.  Then you will play Capture the Flag on Nuketown.  Then you will throw up from playing that map so much.

* No matter where you place your sentry gun, it will never kill anybody.  It will be destroyed, thus rendering your effort pointless.

* When you toss Nova gas down, the enemy without Tac Mask will walk through it, not become disoriented whatsoever, and kill you.

* When your team has a Spy Plane up, you will always be snuck up on by a Lightweight despite the fact that he was nowhere near you five seconds ago.

* When you use Flashbangs/Concussion Nades with Tac Mask Pro, you will get hit markers but never any indicators on enemy positions.

* If you try to sprint and jump past an enemy claymore, you will still get blown up no matter how far away you are from it.

* NEW: When you go to revive a teammate in Second Chance, you will both get mowed down as soon as you save him.

* Every once in a while, you will be prepped and ready to shoot anyone who appears.  However, a complete noob will waltz right in and you cannot kill this guy.  No matter how hard you try, he will shoot from the hip and kill you.

* When a group of enemies busts in, you will kill all of them...except for one guy who shows up late and kills you by surprise (usually a Ghost).

* NEW: In TDM, enemies will always spawn behind you.

* When you switch up your grenade launcher, an enemy will run right in your face, thus making it impossible to shoot him because launchers don't work at close range.

* Also about grenade launchers, when you see a group of enemies and blow up a nade in the middle of them, it will hurt but not kill anyone.

* NEW: Or you will see a group of enemies literally hugging each other.  You'll fire a grenade from your GL at them, but rather than blow up all of them, the nade will "bonk" one guy, netting you one kill rather than more.

* Despite wearing Flak Jacket, you still get killed by barrages of grenades and RC-XD's.

* NEW: When you're in a tense shootout with another guy, you'll experience a brief lag hiccup at the very last moment, thus giving your opponent that easy death blow while you stand there clueless.

* When driving an RC-XD towards your intended victim, someone else will kill him a millisecond before it blows up, thus wasting the damn thing on nothing.

* NEW: Cars and explosive red barrels will always light on fire and blow up next to you sporadically.

* When you unlock a Pro perk, you will never have enough money to buy it right away.

* Once you unlock all the good Pro perks like Tac Mask Pro or Sleight of Hand Pro, you'll be just a few levels away from prestiging anyway so the benefits never last long.

* Fire dropped from enemy napalm will kill you even if you're far away from it.

* Rolling Thunders will always kill you no matter how far in cover you are.

* The host will always pull the plug and abruptly send the damn game back to the lobby, usually at the start or end of game thereby wasting your time.

* You will always die while reloading.

* Before you unlock Sleight of Hand Pro, you will always be killed while trying to look down your sights.

* You will always get stuck in a server with one or more obscene player emblems (nudity, sex, etc.).

* Once you reach that breaking point when you start cursing and acting like a jackass to the world, you'll start playing good again and will shut up.  I still wonder why I play this stupid ass game.


All of these things have happened to me.  This is not embellished in any away.  I may add more things later.

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