Friday, August 20, 2010

Ten Notoriously BBBAAADDDD Driving Games

And when I mean bad, I mean REALLY bad.  Like Superman 64 bad.  And this isn't a hit on Cruis'n World cause it doesn't even fit in this category, it's leagues ahead of this garbage.  This article's just for fun, it doesn't have EVERY bad racing game in it but still, it covers the ones that have YT footage of them...  NOT IN ANY PARTICULAR ORDER.

1. Hard Drivin' (Genesis): This game was quite revolutionary as well as quite good in arcades, but the Genesis version...who wants to play a driving game running at TWO frames per second?  I sure as hell don't.  It doesn't even have the cool instant replay wrecks.  I mean, I hate them in Burnout, but come on, gotta give me SOMETHING to keep me interested in this.

2. Cosmic Race (PSX): I've never really heard of this game until recently but I have no idea what the hell's going on here.  You, uh, fly these weird blimp things and I can't take it (yes I know the still image is some furry dude, don't know what's up with that).

3. Club Drive (Jaguar): While this game has free reign and you can drive around and race against the clock, the fact that the world has no texture whatsoever and that the collision physics are incredibly wonky makes this frustrating to play, much less look at.  And for a 64-bit console, this looks horrible.  Also, what's that at 3 minutes--an orange loaf of bread?  Oh wait, that's supposed to be a cat.  And the music, oh geez, brrrzzzz this, zzzziiippp that...

4. Daytona (Genesis): Part of the Action 52 game for Genesis.  Thank God this isn't the NES version.  Either way, holy cow, a game with the word "Daytona" in it--I'm delightfully surprised.  Is this the Daytona USA sequel we've been waiting for!?!?!?  No, it's an ass-backwards cardboard-cutout Lamborghini Diablo crap simulator thing with crappy OutRun-esque traffic where everyone drives the same damn red jalopy.  Not only that, but the Daytona logo looks like some asinine MS Paint thing drawn by a 5-year old.  What an insult to the Daytona name.

Sega, please save us from this traversity NOW.  Kick Active Enterprises' ass all around for that traversity to mankind that was known as Action 52 on the NES that was sold for TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS.  Poor souls that bought it...  Like you'd rather be violated by your dentist than buy that game when it came out.  Seriously, go play in traffic, you bastards.  The dentist too.

5. Carmageddon 64 (N64): I just loathe the Carmageddon series since the last thing we need is a Postal-like game combined with Driver or something...but this is the worst of the Carmageddon series.  Crap graphics, made by Titus, the same people that brought you Superman 64.  You run over zombies.  Car handling looks like garbage.  This game sucks.

6. Yaris (X360): This is everybody's "favorite" free Xbox Live Arcade game that has unfortunately been removed from the Xbox servers.  I got 200/200 on this game.  I really don't know what I was thinking, it took AGES to do.  Shooting up lucha libres on bikes and floating iPods.  They were on drugs when they made this.  The whole dreary futuristic/sci-fi/virtual-reality angle just murders it too.  I tremble in fear whenever I see a Toyota Yaris on the road--an appendage will protrude from the hood and shoot lasers at me.

EDIT: Had to switch videos.  Ignore the commentary, it's the best video I found.

You have no idea how much trauma I went through to get this.

7. Spirit of Speed 1937 (DC): Oh gee golly LJN game on the Dreamcast...OH THE HUMANITY.  80 SECOND LOAD TIMES, WRITE IT DOWN PEOPLE.  It doesn't look too bad, you get to drive "vintage" cars, but the handling's crap and the graphics are incredibly unappealing.  Buy Metropolis Street Racer, Daytona USA 2001, Crazy Taxi, ANYTHING but this.  Oh yeah, and if you think I'm making stuff up, check out the GameSpot review.

8. Cruis'n (Wii): Yes, I know this seems like a low blow to the Cruis'n games.  No, seriously, all other Eugene Jarvis racers aren't as bad as this buggy, clumsy port that has no business spreading to home consoles like a virus.  It looks "tolerable" at first, but looks are deceiving--this game's screwed up, much worse than the arcade version.  Think I'm blowing hot air again?  Check out Alex Navarro's Golden GameSpot review.  I have it printed up on my wall.

9. Desert Bus (Sega CD): Part of Penn & Teller's Smoke & Mirrors, the unreleased Sega CD game.  This is a joke game--it is deliberately terrible, but nonetheless terrible.  You drive a bus down a desert road from Tuscon, AZ to Las Vegas, NV, about 8 hours straight.  There's no traffic, nothing exciting whatsoever (a bug splats on the windshield at about 5 hours), you can't pause the game, and the bus veers slightly to the right.  If you go off-road or stop for a few seconds, your bus fails and a tow truck carries you slowly back to the starting point (in real time I might add).

If you make it to the end, you get literally nothing for your endeavors, no spectacular ending, and then game gives you ONE point and offers you to try again for some "overtime."  I guess if you wanted to tell the world "I beat Desert Bus," then give it a shot, but still, just stay away.  I know it's a joke game but whatever.  Though it has a SWEET guitar solo to get you amped up for some badass bus drivin' action (sound quality is butchered here though).

It's also worth mentioning that a group of gamers are playing this repeatedly to earn money for Child's Play Charity.  Check it out here.

10. Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing (PC): It's not a "Worst Games Ever" list without Big Rigs.  I have no idea how you can release a game like this for sale and show your face in public ever again.  It's a bunch of Russian devs that may have ties to the Mafia, I think.  Oh dear.  Once again, Alex is the man.  I can't find anything else to say about this dreck.  I mean, imagine if they made a Daytona USA-style game like this with stock cars and stuff--I think I'd become a drifter and get drunk in bars all my life to ease the pain.

There's other bad driving games like Pulse Racer (Xbox), the game where you driver literally has a heart attack if you go too fast, and Ambulance Driver (PC), a garbage Crazy Taxi ripoff, but that's it, that's enough crap for me.  You can look up some more bad games, but I can't take it anymore.

If you managed to get through this whole thing, then here's your reward:

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