Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Sega Loves You, Space Zombies, & User Agreements (Which Suck)

This is another Three-In-One blog post.  I don't really like doing this anymore, but who cares... I wanna convey my message to the people in one lump of a post so deal with it.  EDIT: I added more talking points about Mike Hayes!!!


Virtua Fighter 5 coming to XBL and PS3!!!  Now this is good news.  I don't have a lot to say about this.  I'm thankful that Sega is willing to do this.  Now where's my Daytona game?  Ooooooo yeah, forgot about the Sonic CD port as well.  So Virtua Fighter 5 and Sonic CD are coming soon...Good things are happening all the time.  Now where's my Daytona game?

Oh, and how about this?  Sega West president Mike Hayes recently talked on the phone (a very professional means of interview) about what Sega has in store in the future.  “We constantly review the IP we’ve got in the locker because that’s one of Sega’s big advantages,” Hayes said.  Yeah, IPs are great, huh, Mike?  The kind that you sit on for decades, leaving the Sega fans to sit in a figurative coma for over a decade.  Then we get a half-ass port of, say, Jet Set Radio or Shenmue and congrats, LIFE IS GREAT AGAIN!!!  THANKS, MIKE!!!

And they say they go through everything and decide which IP's to use and how big they should's nice to think that Mike is actually looking at new Shenmue or Daytona games, but after that little 18-24 Dreamcast ports remark, I really don't take anything he says for face value anymore.  Wait, has Sega released any more DC ports after Space Channel 5/Bass Fishing?  No, so we're still stalled at 4 (or about 10 if you count all the non-Sega DC ported games) so that just makes Mike look like a bigger dumbass.

This is Mike Hayes of SEGA.

But there's always hope for redemption, Mike!  Just pick up that little telephone, tell Nagoshi to make Daytona USA 3 and Yu Suzuki to make Shenmue 3.  There you go, buddeh...

Another thing--the fact that Sega announces these new games on a whim and not at any big gaming convention is tell-tale of their policy.  Don't expect them to sneak up on us with Shenmue 3, new Daytona, or any of that jazz so keep on the lookout and wait for those trademarks to appear.  Sega's not that sharp to "hide" anything, it seems.


Did you hear?  There's one new Black Ops zombie map called Moon.  Now this ain't no space truckin'--you're stuck in the not-so-blue skies of the moon and I'm not even talking about Space Colony Ark.  This level is really trippy.  Really--it's unconventional in every sense of the word..

Where do I begin.  The beginning of the level takes place in "Area 51" (a cut-out of the Hangar 18 MP map) then you are forced to run to a teleporter which takes you to the moon.  You take your protein pills and put your helmet on....then the real fun begins.

When I was playing Solo, no sounds could be heard on the Moon.  No talking, no zombie moaning, no footsteps, just some faint breathing and muffled gunshots.  Yeah, imagine playing a game in total silence--it's psychedelic and creepy at the same time.   EDIT: No, the map isn't normally this silent.  My sound "glitched" up the first time so there was no voice/music.  But to augment the creepiness, a floating astronaut slowly pursues you (think George from Call of the Dead) who tries to steal your perks.  Oh, and there's low gravity too.  Just floating in a mindless void being attacked by these monstrosities--it's the stuff of Creepypasta... EDIT: (OMG, my game is haunted!!!  Some dead kid named Ben or Jimmy is trying to communicate to me through the game!!!  Despite how scary & unusual it was, I just couldn't turn off the game!!!  And then they consumed my soul or something.)

FYI, there's a way to teleport back to "Area 51" (where the Pack-a-Punch is) and you can hear again.  But since zombies swarm so quickly, you have to teleport back to the Moon just as soon as you arrived.

Oh, and you thought that was damn weird?  Well, remember the convoluted Easter eggs/plot progressions from previous maps such as Ascension?  Well, Moon has one.  And no surprise--the puzzle was solved within 48 hours of the map's release.  Being the last zombie map of the Black Ops series, it goes out with a bang.  Follow the Easter egg steps here if you want...

SPOILER: Remember Samantha the little girl with the zombie voice?  Complete some of the Easter egg steps and you see her in this map levitating in this strange black pyramid.  Complete the rest of the steps and Richtofen (the German playable character) swaps bodies with Samantha (omg guy in girl's body), giving him control over the zombies in order to complete his dreams of...uh, world domination (well that's what this Group 935 that Richtofen AKA Edward has been trying to do since Der Riese).  Oh, and he also launches three nukes at the Earth, sending it into a zombie-infested, radioactive wasteland.  This is the conclusion we've been waiting for.  Oh, every player gets all eight perks and a gamer picture.  GAME OVER, YEAH!!

Super cool story, bro.  No really, while I normally loathe game storylines, I really want to see what else Treyarch has in store here.  Wait for Black Ops 2 tho....


And for some other news news that really stinks.  You know Electronic Arts?  The scourge we forgot about purely because of Activision's antics?  Well, if you download their new game distribution software, Origin, you're giving EA the right to monitor your hard drive (including what websites you view) including the right to sell that information.  Please bear in mind there's NO way to circumvent this if you want to play games like Battlefield 3--you must download this service.

You know what, Electronic Arts?  You're despicable.  I didn't have intentions of buying Battlefield before this, but I must certainly do not now.  BOYCOTT THEM!!!  This includes Burnout and Need for Speed which are both published by it's a one-two knockout punch.  Suck my white ass, EA.  EDIT: Damn, just screwed my employment, who wants to be a lapdog for them anyway.

Now, doesn't anything think all User Agreements are a crock of s***?  Yeah, sure, laws apply to software, but who reads these 20+ page documents anyway?  You usually assume the obvious--don't copy, distribute, or profit from software, yada yada yada (come on, you don't read it either so don't blame me)...  But then they can sneak whatever they want in there, like what EA did here.  And if you DO read the whole agreement, so what?  Odds are you zoned out due to boredom and forgot what you just read a day later.  Not like the hundreds of pages of terms you've read in your lifetime are going into your long-term memory.  Come on, how much paperwork and red tape do human beings have to go through anyway?

"Read every one of these pages from front to back and regurgitate it all from memory by tomorrow..."

"F***!!!!  I HATE THIS CRAP!!!" >:(

Man, screw paperwork.  All I want to do is play my video games without infecting my computer with spyware or getting thrown in prison.  DEAL WITH IT.

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